Summer Solstice Part 2

You know it's weird, right?
That the only contact I'll ever have
with you much
is over text.
And my last self will cry because
I've forgotten your voice.
And hello this self will fear
that you're just messaging
just because
and I'm your last option,
And I don't want to waste my time on that,
The Lord knows it.
So maybe you are real,
because even though telling you my world
makes the troubles even more real,
And that realness bites my face, and
slaps the tears beyond my insides,
The telling makes you as much more real
And that is one of the greatest improvements a body could get—
Is for a human to feel more in reach
To another,
And for a human to feel more real.
I need the existing humans in my life
They please me to no end
I will always love you for "kind of just because you simply exist".

Summer Solstice Part 1

The Wall And The Arm
"Let's catch up,"
said the wall to the arm.
After all this time,
wow, you've grown.
There is so much more of you
that I could possibly love.
Our elbows will hold each other in the dark room
push against and sway
and I will avoid your eyes
when you sing the songs of yesteryears
those songs of our parents
the songs where "baby" and "lovin" are
so much deeper rooted into the movement.
Each song.
And your laugh is terrifying
because it sounds forced
and like you're trying to get me to laugh
or get my attention,
but after listening to your mother's laugh,
I know it's probably because I don't actually know you all that well.
But I remember you had this white car that I loved
and I moved awkwardly when we kissed by it in the parking lot,
but you still kissed me,
still.
And you would kiss me again.
And I have a boyfriend now,
but I let my farthest corner touch your elbow and—
Lovely and—
Quiet and—
Remember me and—
I am finally here again, and
with you of all places.

June 22, 2014. 1:07 am.

These Are Just The Words That Try To Sound Good Together

We are so different
You and I
You know you can touch the world
All I see is I can't touch the sky.
I think if I wanted to, I would break my emergency glass every day.
I don't think you would do it.
You know you're surrounded by people who reel from your mistakes and that knowledge is pressed against yourself so deeply it brings tears to your eyes at the slightest shadow.
Meanwhile, I am afraid simply because my body does not want to be who I what I am what am I and my brainspeed spikes at random intervals like a racing heart back down again as quickly as it spun out of control the first time and I am too afraid to become still.




~!!!~
Love, Peace, Chicken Grease, Rock on:
There's a thing we remember about thoughts. Fleeting. Wild. Remember Me and Think of Me For More Than My Thoughts. 

Post-TFiOS part 2 (aka my second viewing)

Hazel Grace is right. It's not fair.

It's not fair that he loves me the way Augustus Waters loved Hazel Grace.
I don't love him the way Hazel Grace loves Augustus Waters. It's not fair.

I said "I love you, too" tonight and I didn't feel guilty, really, because I actually do love him so don't think that I don't. I love him the way I love him but he loves me like he's the living, breathing Augustus Waters and I am Hazel Grace and I do not so often return that love anymore. And it shouldn't be like that. I don't think it sounds right or should feel right to anyone and it is too unfair it makes me sick.

"Actually"

Actually

There is actually only so much I can do
at a time like this
in a place like that.
I have feelings,
you have feelings,
and our feelings crash,
and most days this does not work out.
And I want to go back to the first few months
of this relationship
when the going wasn’t so rough
and our movements weren’t habitual.
Yes, please, just go away
and shout your, “Whatever!”’s
and tell me you lost it—over and
over and over—
tonight.
I never said you couldn’t lose it.
You’re a human being and only
you took that right away from yourself.
I just said to
leave
me
alone
about
it
tonight.
And no I don’t want your hugs.
Go away.
Go freaking away.
I’m trying to write an essay.

3/5/14 -- 12:47 AM

And It Did

What if I don't want to be "the love of your life"? ????
What if that seems way too big for where I am in my life right now?
What if it scares me away
What if I hurt you
What if I'm too sad to concentrate on my homework at all
What if I've screwed everything up too far
What if I never know how to get out and we just keep going until we break.
What if what if what if it already happened and it did