And It Did

What if I don't want to be "the love of your life"? ????
What if that seems way too big for where I am in my life right now?
What if it scares me away
What if I hurt you
What if I'm too sad to concentrate on my homework at all
What if I've screwed everything up too far
What if I never know how to get out and we just keep going until we break.
What if what if what if it already happened and it did

Magpie 185

Painting Reincarnate

I remember socks like his
Striped socks
or maybe they were candy canes.
Colorful.
I remember hair like his
haircuts top heavy
shaved on the side.
Humble.
I remember paintings like this
putting me in my place
decisive of my soul.
Not okay.
I remember money like his
that bought me up
and cared for the beauty in front and center.
Delusional.
I remember reading like his
that skittered along the walls
pretending to appreciate and understand.
Grubby.
I remember chairs like this
ones that I could not sit in
and ones that I could not stay from
Comforting.
Yes, how comforting for a soul to never choose the fate
of a soul.
Yes, how comforting to remain in the oils forever
in the history
and the smile
and the stare.
But truly, how comforting it would be instead to never care.

The 13th of Poetry

Today being Friday the 13th and since we have been reading Poe in English, I recently found my old horror story from a middle school continuation assignment of a story we only read the first part of and it has thus provoked my desire to write creepy, dark literature. Although creepy and dark is fun, the most important part for me is to make it "thought provoking", and leave you saying it "got you thinking about things". Yes! All I want to write is something with layers that pokes at you and maybe you, the reader, can't really tell how everything is supposed to go together but that's okay because, for me, that's how it's supposed to be and how things often work in my mind. I love to bring out the dark, smokey part. But I love even more to bring out the corner of my mind with globs of supernatural ooze and demons with empty eye sockets. And then I most often bring out one of the many lines that connect all sides of my writing prompts: and I will make you think more than is easy.

I kind of started explaining too much/losing proper words there at the end so I'll go ahead and...

Part I
Dead is dead
in dens and dirt
Damned and drinking.
In drought, still drinking.
Keep on drinking.
Thus, dragging these darlings deeper down as dapper demons do
Disguised as dapper gentlemen.
Demonically drawing forth faith
devise it into solitude,
deeply.

 Part II
The dears, they sigh.
Denial displaces death
Dance the dance of darkened days
The indentured slaves don't drown today,
don't give away.
In this indentured life let difference fall
between dry spell and diphthong drawl.
Bewitch me, pinch me,
I have been discovering
you
who stands
doomed, but delaying
what dead is dead will do.

Magpie 182

I just ran a hundred miles to see you here,
excited as a child until I saw you,
face first in the electric water
All sides and angles have collided for me
and against you
Did I truly ever expect an angel with bright red chains to take the time to speak to me?
When she could look, face first into the next dimension over,
the other side of the water surface?
Her whole face is consumed by it.
What would she ever have of me?

HI! Wow!

I'm about to go on a trip of a lifetime! This Sunday (it is now Saturday), I will be getting up in time to get to the Nashville airport at 7:45 am from the hotel I'll be staying in with my family!
We're going with the Tennessee Ambassadors of Music... to Europe!! xDDDD And IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!!!
First we'll land in England :O Then we'll go to France and other places we'll go (not in order) are Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Germany, Liechtenstein, and one other country that I can't remember (oops).

I am cringing soo much right now... I'm waiting on my brother to come downstairs to help me bathe Puppy and she smells soooo bad... Mom accidentally left an open bar of chocolate upside down over her shoe, so now her tennis shoes have chocolate in them and I'm letting Puppy eat the chocolate out because, like Mom said, we aren't getting the chocolate out of those... and I'm not sure that is helping the smell much... Ewww. (I'm about to give her a bath though.)(she's so adorable.)(i really need to remember to just breathe through my mouth.)(ayeee she really needs this trip to obedience school.)

Anyways, we will be actually singing in churches, cathedrals, and in one place outside, and other venues around Europe! And there's a band coming too (sadly for them, most [if not all] of their venues are outside *tear for them*) and will be playing all over Europe as well!

We're going to go ride the London Eye when we're in London that first night (we were going to go see Wicked, but they couldn't get tickets, and anyways, that show may pop up somewhere else along the way [just as all the other shows might: The Lion King and Les Mis], but I know I won't get to go to the London Eye for a very verryyy long time). We get to sing in John Wesley's cathedral and visit a castle in one of the countries that is very important to that country that I cannot remember the name of.
------
I have to finish packing today and there's a TON OF other stuff we get to do!
What I think would be realllyyy awesome in terms of shopping would be if I could find a thrift store hehehe. THAT would be soooo cooool :3

Well, I have to go (just came back from bathing Puppy by myself... I was talking to my brother and then he got mad and things...happened...) and finish packing and help bathe Hook because the poor dog is in major need of a bath. I love you all! I can't wait to go.

Oh, yeah, my brother got a solo in the song "Homeward Bound" that we're singing. It's a beautiful piece and I know I'm going to cry during it at some point. Dr. Zamer, our director, picked it because he's been on this trip a ton before and he knows that by day ten or so you're just about ready to go home and while you still love being on the trip, you realize at that point that you'll love to go home too. And because I've been to Europe, and have traveled, and for maybe other reasons that I don't know how to pinpoint right now, I realize (even though the director of the trip, Mr. Box, said that we don't understand it at this point) how HUGE this trip that we're going on is, how HUGE it is that we get to not only sing in countries most of us have never set foot in, but interact with the people. I realize how HUGE this world is and that I don't understand it, but I understand that there are people everywhere who can be pulled together through music (whether good or bad, really) and we are going to meet people from so many different places and backgrounds and lives than us, but we are really the same. I realize this, and I think if I said this to any other kid, they would say they get that too, but there's a huge difference inside the fine line between realizing because you know it's so and personally realizing because of the extreme loudness and incredibly closeness of a personal experience. And I know the HUGEness of coming back home that maybe isn't as huge but it's the wrapping up point to a HUGE experience, and it's very important in itself. At some point, we "I'll be homeward bound again..."... and there's other parts of the lyrics that really get at me. I'll pick it apart and show you later (maybe when I get back), but in short, it's just the fact that someone could be affected enough by someone else's wishes who misses them dearly to turn around from where they are and take the path back home. That part gets me. I didn't even sing the whole song during the concert last night (for the parents since most of them don't come on the tour..but mine are! :)) because I was about to cry. I mean, Breathe, Kitty, we're not even out of the state yet.

So, I'll be back eventually and obviously, Camp NaNoWriMo July 2013 isn't going to happen until a couple weeks in for me, but that's okay. I've got somewhere important to be.

Love,
Kitty

Quote of the Dayze

"To live is so startling, it leaves but little room for other occupations."
-Emily Dickinson, letter

Thoughts From School

Someone should make a remake of the movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest when Rupert Grint is in his forties and he can be McMurphy if he's not too skinny so Mac actually has red hair...
And so some justice can be done for the movie and it'll be more like the book. I would have liked the movie a lot more if a) our teacher hadn't forwarded so quickly through some of the parts and b) if it didn't change so much about the ulterior motives of Mac. 

I am a winner. I am writing a book.

Camp Nanowrimo ended a few days ago and I haven't hardly looked at my story since I put it onto a private tumblr blog for a dear follower whom I trust (for some reason haha) to not take my work and simply just read it.

As you may be able to tell by the title, I won! No, I didn't get to 50k, but I got 112 words past my goal of 10,000 and now I have a strong, concrete basis to build on for a much longer story. Yes, my dream is to publish it, and although I feel like I sound crazy or full of myself for wanting that, I'm not going to let my fear of being judged or any other fear to keep me from at least trying.

That's one good thing that comes out of being so afraid of dying: Now I want to get stuff done and live my life to the fullest and the idea that I might waste some time that I won't get back feels closer and tighter around me every time I have another panic attack.

So there you have it, folks. "The Untitled Jennifers" is bound to be a thing, and a greater, bigger thing, in fact, if I have anything to do with it. It is also bound to have a different title. XD

For this last month of the school year, I'm just focusing on the challenge of writing at least one poem every day. Yeah, I'm going to keep writing on my story, but the real every-day hard work ethic on that will have to take place after I ace every single one of my exams.

Thanks for giving my words your time here, there, or anywhere.
Love,
Kitty

Happy Camping!

It's April! And apparently (as I discovered a few months ago), that means Camp NaNoWriMo time! So naturally, I'm doing it. My other story... "The Untitled Yet", from November... well... let's say she's kind of in a coma...

The feelings that were my driving force behind Pasqualina's story got lost when they went away out of me and I stopped experiencing them in my life.

I plan on getting to 4,009 (preferred word count as of the 13th) tonight before I go to bed. I have about 30 minutes after I go get my laundry and that's why this post is short.

This new one is completely not about anything in my life...but of course, we always write about what we know, don't we? And I will always fit something in somehow. I guess I already have.

My southern roots, the way I push my hair back... they're already in there... and fun.. fun with friends and close bonds with family and being able to relax no matter what with your friends.. Those are there in my story.

Today was Marathon Day. I guess it still is. :) Yay :3
I wrote 2,051 words in one sitting and now I'm up to 3,413 words out of my goal of 10k. You can do the math, if you'd like :). I don't have enough time. I should be writing elsewhere.

So...

Are you one of them? Are you a Jennifer?

No title

This week has been a good week...but so many foul things have happened. It'll be interesting to tell about. 

Magpie #159: The Photograph

"I would like to go to the sea," she said.
It wasn't good enough.
"I would like to go the sea!" she cried
"I would like to see the water glistening," she contemplated, "the way it shows in this picture in that square."
"I would like to touch its jelly surface!" she proclaimed.
It looked so firm beneath the painted sky.
"I would like to see the way the wave crest forms up like a ridge," she continued, "in person!"
"I would like to discover what that white part at the front is, exactly," she concluded.
It seemed the gray sand would not be of much use to her.
"I would like to go the sea..."
She sang until they let her go
They let her go and left her there
She discovered it was moving
and the white part disappeared before she could understand it.
As persons frolicked in the dreamy distance,
the water glistened in many places,
surely all places except for the block shown in the photograph.
The sky looked all but painted and
when she reached for the sea, it smacked her quickly
and disappeared.
She reached out farther,
in a walk,
and was shocked to find a jelly surface wasn't there,
replaced with cooling liquid, changing,
a water that all but sat still, and everywhere.
Looking back at the white part where it smacked her first
where she saw wonderfully white sand,
that surely had been gray before,
she never noticed her photograph lifting out of her own mind
desperately searching for some truth in itself.
It was frightening
to discover nothing was right, personally
and to be all alone in the great jelly
was all but a great adventure.
It scared her.
She was frightened.
She didn't know what to say
And she didn't know she could sink.

a draft from 1/2/13 that I never finished: "Butts"

Butts on the floor
Let's lay in that dirty ground
To celebrate the life
As those bells start to ring

The beginning of a new year
A backwards race of "back in time"
I'm watching "Switched At Birth"
And I have no boyfriend on the line
The cat, she sneaks around the house
And the ready, set tables weren't betting on being flipped this way

Concepts

My therapist brought this to my attention this week when I vented about a certain stress I put upon myself that I'm not good enough for a certain label there is upon a certain relationship. She used the concept of a chair. Here, I am focusing primarily on the concept of a "game".

The idea of a "game" is a concept. Like a chair or a bed or a computer, or a stuffed animal. Look at one of those things... if you think "chair", "bed", "computer", "stuffed animal", many images may come into your mind, but they are all part of the same concept. If none of these items are around you, find one that is. Maybe you're wearing it. Maybe it's a part of your body. Ponder the different images or ideas you think of when imagining the concept of whatever item you have chosen.

A concept is just something our past and present society (including our own experiences and thought processes and how the two relate) has used to define things, label things, and create normality for and communication on what the things in our world are. [I mentioned our "past society" because they have as much of an influence on our concepts of today as our "present society" does. I mean, we're all kind of the same people.]
Let me take another moment to call out society and label and maybe even normality.
I feel like recent events and calls of action to change the way people see the world has put a really negative connotation on society, label, and maybe even normality (although to a lesser degree for the latter).

Society's influence isn't necessarily bad. Labels aren't necessarily bad. It's when we let them oppress us and our humanity towards each other that they could be considered bad. But even then, the concept of society and the concept of a label may not be what should be considered bad. Did the concept become bad? Did the concept perform the action of being bad? No, but the persons who used the concept made mistakes that were then called "bad" using other person's concept of "labels" and then the concept of "society" was changed for some persons. Maybe it was even changed for enough such persons that, in general, they forgot the good concept of "society" and the influences society can have on us as humanity.


Concepts and Labels:

Concept (noun)- 1. a general notion or idea; conception || 2. an idea of something formed by mentally combining all its characteristics or particulars; a construct || 3. a directly conceived or intuited object of thought
Label (noun)- 1. a slip of paper, cloth, or other material, marked or inscribed, for attachment to something to indicate its manufacturer, nature, ownership, destination, etc. || 2. a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc. || 3. a word or phrase indicating that what follows belongs in a particular category or classification. 


I want to focus on the second definition for "concept" and the second, third, and last word of the first definition for "label".

According to dictionary.reference.com, a "concept" is just an "idea". Wouldn't that suggest that it can be changed? Recently, I read something somewhere that exposed me to a new metaphor (or idea?) for an actual idea (on some tumblr or causal internet interface probably..so don't think I've been taking time to read philosophical books or books of any the un-school-related kind, even though that would make me really cool [<< aHA! Another concept!]). I don't remember exactly what it was, but from what I can remember, it explained an idea as a seed that latches into your brain and once it's there, you never remove it. This could have been somebody's chapel talk, for all the good my memory is providing me with is insufficient because, frankly, it's not there. Of course, the point is not where I got it...

Point is, an idea, once planted in a person's mind, sprouts whether the person notices it, wants it to, or none of the above. Maybe it can be squashed to the point of near nonexistence (something I'd like to think of as forgetting), but once you get it in you, it's never gone (even if you do think you have forgotten it). Think of it as an STD. (I don't know much about STDs so this might be a bad example.) Once it's in you, it's not going away. It's going to grow and develop, and depending on who you are and how you think, it may develop differently than in another person. You may just leave it be or you may change it. You may hate it with all the passion you have, or you may accept it, even be content with it, and maybe be able to use your passion to water other actions or ideas. Even when you're "squashing" or "suppressing" an idea, you're still thinking about it, and therefore still watering and nurturing it.

Then there's the dreaded LABELS LABELS LABELS LABEL. When I first typed "label", I actually cringed a little. I thought, "Oh, gosh. People aren't going to respond well to that." I feared that if I simply used the word "LABEL", persons reading this wouldn't be able to see past the ideas that have sprouted, re-imagining and sometimes over-developing its simple definition. Here, we see that the utmost definition of "label" even surpasses the words that appear on the page. How? The abbreviation "etc." stands for "Et cetera", which implies that there is more. In fact, it implies that there is so much more that it would take too long to mention them all or else a lot of information would be left out or forgotten that doesn't pertain to the core values or meaning behind the definition. If there is that much more, isn't it possible that the "more" is composed of things you, I, and others have never considered in addition to the ones we have and have used?

"'Society' today puts 'labels' on things, people, ideas, and beliefs and this is bad." This is the opinion I see shaping itself up in the midst of the youth I am a part of and am surrounded by. Of course, it's not just the youth saying this, but my exposure to it started due to those of youth in my community. I feel like there's more to a label than that.

Let's say there's a machine in a meat-packing factory that detects which kinds of meat are which by a colored label, or maybe there are persons sorting out the meat. And say it's their first day on the job. Yes, the machine is new. Yes, the person employee is new. If one meat has the wrong label on it, then the machine or person might put that meat with the wrong kind of meat (unless they really know their meat), and that could cause problems. If you have a bunch of fabric to use in order to make a bunch of sheep stuffed animals and then a bunch of other fabric to use in order to make a bunch of armadillo stuffed animals and you switch the labels, you might have a problem. Obviously, you'll need to use your imagination for my examples, but I think you can do that. :)

In a more logical example (for you logic babes out there), when a child is growing up, the persons around him or her tend to tell the child what actions are good and what actions are bad when he or she performs them. Although the words "good" and "bad" may not always be used, this is necessary in order to teach the next generations how to make decisions by themselves to the best of their abilities.

A concept or a label is partially defined by "et cetera". There is always more although that "more" has no influence on the core definition of the words "concept" and "label" themselves.
Therefore, this is why I believe a "game" has more than one definition. It can be casual, simple, used only for play, not taken seriously, meaningful, important, a mixture of any of the previous choices, or all of the above, etc. That is why I believe in forwarding the "preteen chain email"-esque messages that can be found on the internet, such as:

"YOU'RE IT! Rules are: copy this message to 10 other beautiful people/blogs who you think deserve this message! Keep the game going and make everyone feel beautiful ❤"

or

"Just a note to say how beautiful you are, and to wish you a wonderful day! Once you have received this, anonymously pass it along to at least five other people, and know that you have made their day a little brighter. Nothing bad will happen if you don't, but who would ever want to break the happiness chain?"

or

"I want you to know that you are amazing and you're my friend until my death. If I don't get this back, I understand. But I have a game for you, once you read this letter, you must send it to 15 people, including the person who sent it to you."


That last one is an excerpt from one of those chain emails like the ones my friends and I sent on email and texting in middle school and goes on to explore the realm of "if you don't do this there will be consequences". Personally, I find those to be absurd. When editing this post, I also removed this sentence: "If you receive at least 3 back, you are loved" because saying something like that can be really damaging to a person's self esteem. What if I don't get three back? This email is telling me that no one loves me and the fact that I got it from someone or am sending it on to others suggests that other people agree with that statement or that I have to agree to that statement. I don't think these email chain messages with their superstitions and judgements should be circulating. Just because I learned quickly that just because I don't get "at least 3 back", it doesn't mean no one loves me, doesn't mean everyone else in the world will realize that before it really leaves a scarring effect on their self esteem and personal worth.

I think the ones I find on tumblr (like the one that partially inspired this post) are okay and positive and spread good vibes. No one should force anyone to share these. The second excerpt asks, "Who would ever want to break the happiness chain?" and maybe somebody does. Maybe somebody doesn't feel like taking the time to send it on. Maybe somebody doesn't even have anyone they feel like they can send it to. To fulfill a purpose to not "break the happiness chain" is never why I send those out and I don't think that's why any of my friends online or offline ever sent these things around. I sent them because it was another way to show my affection. Like saying "I love you" frequently, it seems to be frowned upon by many for its lack of importance and meaning, but for me it's always important and meaningful. If I sent a friend twenty of these in one day, personally, it would only positively build upon the great meaningfulness of any expression of my affection towards him or her.

To complete my escapade to where I was going with my first point, there is one more important idea I wish to plant in your soil. Look at whatever item you chose at the beginning of this dive into my sea of thoughts. If it is no longer there, find something else. Maybe its the air. Look at it. I'm looking at a shoe. It's a typical tan Ugg boot, to be exact. Its major concept is "shoe". Think about what the major concept of your item  or thing is. Air. Foot. Chair. Stuffed Animal. Boyfriend. Soulmate. Bed. Computer. Now, if you can, try to take away that concept. Now, your previously "concepted" item is just something that is there. It is. All it is is there. It could be many things and it could be one thing, but it still is. I feel like this is a way to grasp the tip of the great ice berg on why there can be so many points of views on everything that surrounds us and is within us. I have another boot next to my Ugg. It's a black combat boot with a pink flower pattern on it. At the same time, it is still a boot. It is still a shoe. It is still there. It being a "shoe", "boot", or "combat boot" is a concept. It's an okay concept. I mean, I'm cool with that concept. I don't care if "grunge" or "dirty" or "undesirable" or "sexy" is associated with the concept of "combat boot". I don't care if "unfashionable" is associated with the idea of "Ugg boot". I like them for what their support holds up for me, personally, which could probably be labeled as my "concept" for them. But, in the end, as I take the boots off, as you put the stuffed animal down, as you turn off the computer, as you close your eyes, they are still there and now they are existing without your looking upon them with whatever judgement your ideas have developed into. We could make art with these things. If I made a sculpture out of boots, most persons would still call them "shoes", but they wouldn't be in use for that concept, now, would they? 

Word of the Dayze

Amalgam - (Noun)

1. A Mixture or blend
2. An alloy of mercury with another metal, esp. one used for dental fillings.

Haha I almost said "mental fillings". That would have been funny. XD

Here's where I found this word for the first time... linkkyy