Wake up and smell the sunshine, my dear. It's summer. And a bright blue sky...
Chapel Song by We Are Augustines
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day 15: a song that makes you cry and why
The song that makes me cry the easiest is Already There by LoneStart.
This great sadness associated with this song developed when I listened to it when my dad was in rehab for the first time. Now, if I just think about the song and the lyrics, I slightly tear up.
It's just... the thoughts that Dad was away from the rest of us that first time and that he wasn't able to come back for a while were really disappointing.
I always took for granted that my dad was there. I never thought he would be miles and miles and hours away at any point in time. His work never took him out of town so even though I didn't see him every night, I never thought of him as "far away". It was just normal. But, then, he wasn't even there if I needed him.
I could just relate so easily to every single word in the lyrics... and I still can.
I knew my dad was sad to be so far away and so were the rest of us.
"Daddy, when you comin' home?"
The fact that he could be "already there" was actually kind of overwhelming and all the overwhelming feelings I already had encompassing me at the time have stuck with that song throughout these past three years and they've never left.
This great sadness associated with this song developed when I listened to it when my dad was in rehab for the first time. Now, if I just think about the song and the lyrics, I slightly tear up.
It's just... the thoughts that Dad was away from the rest of us that first time and that he wasn't able to come back for a while were really disappointing.
I always took for granted that my dad was there. I never thought he would be miles and miles and hours away at any point in time. His work never took him out of town so even though I didn't see him every night, I never thought of him as "far away". It was just normal. But, then, he wasn't even there if I needed him.
I could just relate so easily to every single word in the lyrics... and I still can.
I knew my dad was sad to be so far away and so were the rest of us.
"Daddy, when you comin' home?"
The fact that he could be "already there" was actually kind of overwhelming and all the overwhelming feelings I already had encompassing me at the time have stuck with that song throughout these past three years and they've never left.
My Anxiety Can't Be THAT Bad... :'''(
#219
Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.
UGH.
GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.
My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.
I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.
I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.
UGH.
GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.
My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.
I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.
I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.
Monday, June 25, 2012
More Me Thoughts...
I have my moments. The good and the bad.
I can be brave, but I can also get really really scared and consumed by the fear.
So when I'm talking to some people about insecurity and I seem totally sane but also seem like I don't necessarily think I am, they tell me because they've never seen me having a panic attack.
Some people would just walk away if they saw me having a panic attack, so it's probably good that they haven't.
But every thought and feeling of downness and negativity is completely avoidable, or so I believe with all of and every crevice of my heart.
Does that mean I'm going to always avoid negative thoughts?
No.
But why not?
Because there's something strangely satisfying and comforting in being completely in touch and completely aware of every feeling and thought and everything in your mind.
As long as you don't stay there too long, it's okay.
If you do stay there too long, however, you will easily become stuck
and being stuck SUCKS.
It sucks a whole heck of a lot to tell you the truth.
I can be brave, but I can also get really really scared and consumed by the fear.
So when I'm talking to some people about insecurity and I seem totally sane but also seem like I don't necessarily think I am, they tell me because they've never seen me having a panic attack.
Some people would just walk away if they saw me having a panic attack, so it's probably good that they haven't.
But every thought and feeling of downness and negativity is completely avoidable, or so I believe with all of and every crevice of my heart.
Does that mean I'm going to always avoid negative thoughts?
No.
But why not?
Because there's something strangely satisfying and comforting in being completely in touch and completely aware of every feeling and thought and everything in your mind.
As long as you don't stay there too long, it's okay.
If you do stay there too long, however, you will easily become stuck
and being stuck SUCKS.
It sucks a whole heck of a lot to tell you the truth.
About Me
When I talk to you...if I really enjoy you, or trust you, or probably just WANT to trust you (and I'd like to trust everybody), or if I'm just talking to you and I get brave (which could happen at any moment), there will come a point at which I share each and every one of my thoughts. At that point, I am simply, and inexplicably unsimply, sharing my thoughts and it is up to you whether or not you care or agree. I do not state thoughts to be right, but to share with you the innards of my brain and mind that you may not get to see otherwise. I like to be open. :)
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING BROADCAST THANKYOUVERYMUCH
And now! A message for all of my friends....
Thank you very very muchly for putting up with me! It really means a lot to me. :)) I love you all!
Thank you very very muchly for putting up with me! It really means a lot to me. :)) I love you all!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Day 14: write about something you believe in, anything at all
I believe in nice people. I believe in kind souls. I believe in God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, and that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal, everlasting life. I believe in love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in myself (most of the time, if not usually, if not at least sometimes). I believe in fairytales. I believe in Disney and don't think they messed up any child's mind at all by pretending that reality is something it's not. I believe in my friends, my boyfriend, my family, and all people (most of the time, if not usually). I believe in cute dogs. And I believe in my capabilities. I believe in soul mates. I believe in belief and faith. I believe in MUSIC. I believe in my mind (most of the time, if not usually). I believe in MY WRITING. <3 I believe in a lot of things, to put it simply and inexplicably unsimply. <3
Day 13: your favorite quote
"People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, play you, rate you, and break you, but that's what makes you." -Anonymous
"Winners never quit and quitters never win." Vince Lombardi
"Winners never quit and quitters never win." Vince Lombardi
Day 12: the best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given
lol so I'm going to start this again XD
It's summer and I haven't done this since before Christmas break.
This quote: "People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, play you, rate you, and break you, but that's what makes you."
From my friend Benji: To stay positive and that things are going to be okay.
From tumblr: To never start cutting because it's extremely hard to stop.
From karate: Quitters never win and winners never quit.
From tumblr and other inspirations: To never judge other people by what they do or say or how they seem. To never be mean for no reason because it just hurts and no good comes out of it. To never tell somebody to "go and die" because they might actually do it. To always be there for people, especially yourself.
It's summer and I haven't done this since before Christmas break.
This quote: "People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, play you, rate you, and break you, but that's what makes you."
From my friend Benji: To stay positive and that things are going to be okay.
From tumblr: To never start cutting because it's extremely hard to stop.
From karate: Quitters never win and winners never quit.
From tumblr and other inspirations: To never judge other people by what they do or say or how they seem. To never be mean for no reason because it just hurts and no good comes out of it. To never tell somebody to "go and die" because they might actually do it. To always be there for people, especially yourself.
Realization....
Oh wow! Lol I forgot about the end of the world in December XD
Let's see if that happens.
....
...omg.... what... what if it did??
(from my phone)
Let's see if that happens.
....
...omg.... what... what if it did??
(from my phone)
Broadcast Camp Rant #5
Broadcast Kid W (to me and Counselor Rus the Bus): I have more power over you!
Me: ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. XD
Me: ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. XD
Broadcasting Camp Rant #4
Broadcast Kid J: Hey! Look! That's my signature angle!
Me: Uuuuuhhhh lol. No. That's just you zooming in on two players with the ball.
Me: Everyone does that.
Me: Uuuuuhhhh lol. No. That's just you zooming in on two players with the ball.
Me: Everyone does that.
Broadcasting Camp Rant #3
Broadcast Kid W: This video SUCKS
Me: Okay, kid, why don't YOU do it and I'll criticize every little thing you do that isn't perfect. Oh, and REMEMBER we only have ONE, SMALL, CHEAP (well, as video cameras go) video camera for the whoooooooolllleee baseball field.
Me: oh & btw.. You're going to fail.
(from my phone)
Me: Okay, kid, why don't YOU do it and I'll criticize every little thing you do that isn't perfect. Oh, and REMEMBER we only have ONE, SMALL, CHEAP (well, as video cameras go) video camera for the whoooooooolllleee baseball field.
Me: oh & btw.. You're going to fail.
(from my phone)
Broadcasting Camp Rant #2
rawr :(( you know what is SO ANNOYING? Broadcast camp. Kids. And their veerry unprofessionalism. ugh 2 the YELLING. and oh my goo you know what else? The criticizing your own team. No, not your team playing the game, but your broadcasting team. They say, "I don't know what our video person is doing. It's really screwed up." & "What the heck is going on with our video? It's not moving. This is dumb. They're not even following the ball." "You're terrible! Stop moving the camera!" and I'm like, "Shut upp! You have no idea how to do it yourself! You've never done it before and for the one person who has... you did it after I figured out what to do! In filming baseball it is a little (actually a lot) deifficult to figure out whether to follow the baseball or the runner! oh my gosh... argh!" & I know they're just campers and they're learning but it gets to be annoying after a while so I have to write it out like this so I feel better. :) And so I'm not as grumpy.
(from my phone)
(from my phone)
Broadcasting Camp Rant #1
ugh kids are so full of themselves when they think they know what they're doing. I don't care if you DO know what you're doing. You don't have to act like you know everything & be so full of it.
Soooo
Apparently I'm not going to get to sleep outside tonight because it's already getting dark and I probably can't set up a tent in the dark and tomorrow is going to be Monday and I haven't run yet and I really need to and tomorrow I have swim team and tomorrow I'll only have 14ish days left until I go out of the country and I haven't seen any of my friends in over a week and I miss them and I want to see my boyfriend before I leave and he's going to be in boy scout camp all week and I'm not sleeping outside tonight and I really really really really really really really really wanted to.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Whyyyy Hellowww Yellowww
The best thing I could have had at 15 was for my house to less big. (but still the same house) That way, I wouldn't get up in my room and not want to walk all the way downstairs to get something to eat at any given moment oh shoot I forgot to take my steroids and antibiotic okay bye <3 I love you :D
IMMA THINK
I think that when I get older and out on my own... at first..
I'm either going to be really fat or really skinny
because
I'm either going to not eat or eat everything in sight.
..
...yeah... okay.
And neither would happen because I don't like my weight or I think I'm too fat or too skinny because I think I'm just right... I just think this would/could happen.
I'm either going to be really fat or really skinny
because
I'm either going to not eat or eat everything in sight.
..
...yeah... okay.
And neither would happen because I don't like my weight or I think I'm too fat or too skinny because I think I'm just right... I just think this would/could happen.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Yyaaaayyyy more questions. Get to know me. ;D
The best asks, ever :)
1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
Uurrrhhmmm...idk....eehhh... Brown, I suppose XD
2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
Lol neither! But if I HAD TO...dark chocolate..
3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
Oooooooooohhhhh.... Like....a big tiger face...growling. ^_^
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Um.. Big. And yes. :)
5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
Ooohhh... My second and fourth grade teachers.. But especially Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
Banana strawberry. :)) yumm
7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
Farting in front of people.
8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Making a joke about "asinus infection" on a chat with the guy I liked (/was possibly dating if I remember correctly) and one of my friends back then...I didn't realize "asinus" means "butt" in Latin... >///>
9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Walking in on a teacher meeting without knocking.. But that wasn't too bad.
10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
NINJAS!! Because they're hot! LOL just kidding.... But theyre all so...ninja-y and know Kung fu and karate and martial arts and CAN BE MAGICAL so they TOTALLY beat parrots and cannonballs. XD
11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
lol nope.
12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
Yes! And not excited...unless I happened to be out with friends and already excited. I have a swing set at home so it's normal for me to see a swing set.
13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
Ummmm.... A tiger just like Jasmine's out of Aladdin!...haha I've mentioned tigers twice ... And they're not even my favorite animal or anything. Or maybe an alpaca? Nah. A giraffe? ...nah... A penguin!
14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
My legs ^_^ or my face XD or my hair. :)) I like my arms a lot too. <3
15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
That I try to be kind to everybody and stick hard to my morals.
16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Both! But WHO CARES if their music is similar? Cat fights are so lame. It's just music. There's only so many ways to sing the notes, you know.
17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
Yes! And the Puppy Bowl. ;D
18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
Nope. Never been drunk either. I've never drunk alcohol, for that matter.
19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
Chocolate maybe.
20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Butter. And butter.
21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
WHOLE IS YUMMEH. lol yes...I do know that...
22: Which continents have you been on?
North America annnnddd...I think that's it. Lol
23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
Occasionally, if it's really bad...but no.
24: Backpacks or satchels?
Ummm satchel!
25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
YES OMYGOO YES. YES. YES. Oh my goo they all sound so fun. ^_^
26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Ummm... OH! Well, I had a few and I can't remember all of them..:: Tarzan...yeah we'll go with that.
27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
A cow! Because then we could get free milk!
28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
....hmmm...Hong Kong? Only a super clean one? That seems like it would be pretty interesting.
29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
12ish hours, probably.
30: The latest you've ever slept?
Until 4:30 in the afternoon I think!
31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
YES & YES lol if I liked the first and definitely (especially if they asked me to) with the second
32: Do you pick at scabs?
Sadly, yes.
33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
Hmmm....I like kidney beans a lot :)
34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Probably less than a hundred yards...
35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
Hmmmm..... Italy I guess. That's really far away... Actually, England.
36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
Yes and it was actually really good. No. No. No. :)
37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
Hmmmm public university. Because I go to a private school and there would bbe so many possibilities. I think it would be a fantastic adventure. <3
38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
LOVE, always. <3. Abstinence until marriage, baby. ;D
39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
Probably not lol
40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
Yes and yes but I'd usually rather watch something else and usually do.
41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
If no one was looking. XD
42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
hah, no. I don't swear in front of anyone except myself 99.99% of the time and I don't even swear when I'm by myself about 99% of the time, I'd say, unless it's in a song. ;) but nothing really big like the f-word
43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
Hmmm.... Medusa was pretty cool but I think I gotta go with Supergirl
44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
Nah, I wouldn't. But I would definitely chalk the ends different colors sometime for fun. :))
45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
Yes. And yes. :))
46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
Sometimes. Lol okay. ^_^
47: City or nature person?
Both. I'm in love with both. :))
48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
Haha nooo
49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
YES.
50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
Haha YAAAAY
1. I have a black belt in karate!!!
2. My friends really respect me and think I'm super nice. XD
3. I'm a really awesome singer (lol especially when I'm by myself)
4. I cut, like, 15 seconds off of the times (in total) for my races in track this year.
5. I've never cut and I've never considered suicide for myself and the plan is to never consider it because both of those things ARE NOT options for me. :DD
Source: im-awkwarddd
1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
Uurrrhhmmm...idk....eehhh... Brown, I suppose XD
2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
Lol neither! But if I HAD TO...dark chocolate..
3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
Oooooooooohhhhh.... Like....a big tiger face...growling. ^_^
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Um.. Big. And yes. :)
5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
Ooohhh... My second and fourth grade teachers.. But especially Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
Banana strawberry. :)) yumm
7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
Farting in front of people.
8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Making a joke about "asinus infection" on a chat with the guy I liked (/was possibly dating if I remember correctly) and one of my friends back then...I didn't realize "asinus" means "butt" in Latin... >///>
9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Walking in on a teacher meeting without knocking.. But that wasn't too bad.
10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
NINJAS!! Because they're hot! LOL just kidding.... But theyre all so...ninja-y and know Kung fu and karate and martial arts and CAN BE MAGICAL so they TOTALLY beat parrots and cannonballs. XD
11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
lol nope.
12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
Yes! And not excited...unless I happened to be out with friends and already excited. I have a swing set at home so it's normal for me to see a swing set.
13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
Ummmm.... A tiger just like Jasmine's out of Aladdin!...haha I've mentioned tigers twice ... And they're not even my favorite animal or anything. Or maybe an alpaca? Nah. A giraffe? ...nah... A penguin!
14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
My legs ^_^ or my face XD or my hair. :)) I like my arms a lot too. <3
15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
That I try to be kind to everybody and stick hard to my morals.
16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Both! But WHO CARES if their music is similar? Cat fights are so lame. It's just music. There's only so many ways to sing the notes, you know.
17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
Yes! And the Puppy Bowl. ;D
18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
Nope. Never been drunk either. I've never drunk alcohol, for that matter.
19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
Chocolate maybe.
20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Butter. And butter.
21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
WHOLE IS YUMMEH. lol yes...I do know that...
22: Which continents have you been on?
North America annnnddd...I think that's it. Lol
23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
Occasionally, if it's really bad...but no.
24: Backpacks or satchels?
Ummm satchel!
25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
YES OMYGOO YES. YES. YES. Oh my goo they all sound so fun. ^_^
26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Ummm... OH! Well, I had a few and I can't remember all of them..:: Tarzan...yeah we'll go with that.
27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
A cow! Because then we could get free milk!
28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
....hmmm...Hong Kong? Only a super clean one? That seems like it would be pretty interesting.
29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
12ish hours, probably.
30: The latest you've ever slept?
Until 4:30 in the afternoon I think!
31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
YES & YES lol if I liked the first and definitely (especially if they asked me to) with the second
32: Do you pick at scabs?
Sadly, yes.
33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
Hmmm....I like kidney beans a lot :)
34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Probably less than a hundred yards...
35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
Hmmmm..... Italy I guess. That's really far away... Actually, England.
36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
Yes and it was actually really good. No. No. No. :)
37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
Hmmmm public university. Because I go to a private school and there would bbe so many possibilities. I think it would be a fantastic adventure. <3
38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
LOVE, always. <3. Abstinence until marriage, baby. ;D
39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
Probably not lol
40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
Yes and yes but I'd usually rather watch something else and usually do.
41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
If no one was looking. XD
42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
hah, no. I don't swear in front of anyone except myself 99.99% of the time and I don't even swear when I'm by myself about 99% of the time, I'd say, unless it's in a song. ;) but nothing really big like the f-word
43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
Hmmm.... Medusa was pretty cool but I think I gotta go with Supergirl
44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
Nah, I wouldn't. But I would definitely chalk the ends different colors sometime for fun. :))
45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
Yes. And yes. :))
46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
Sometimes. Lol okay. ^_^
47: City or nature person?
Both. I'm in love with both. :))
48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
Haha nooo
49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
YES.
50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
Haha YAAAAY
1. I have a black belt in karate!!!
2. My friends really respect me and think I'm super nice. XD
3. I'm a really awesome singer (lol especially when I'm by myself)
4. I cut, like, 15 seconds off of the times (in total) for my races in track this year.
5. I've never cut and I've never considered suicide for myself and the plan is to never consider it because both of those things ARE NOT options for me. :DD
Source: im-awkwarddd
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Magpie #121
Magpie #121
The letters and the faces,
they line up among the places
where I placed them on my brown desk many moons ago
Now there lies but on face
and scattered letters calling in chase
for him to come back home
And the bill of rights
and the bill of times
the bill of electricity lays too
And I would say I don't know what to do
here without you
But I do, in fact, know what to do
I just don't know what I
want to do
about you.
Should I send the letter that lays in the open?
The one that lays, stark and naked, straight forward as hell and blunt?
Should I sent the letter that resides completely next to it?
The one that rests, casually but firmly, with belief that we can work this out?
Should I sent the letter that accuses and points the fingers of blame?
The one that could definitely be supported without a doubt, but that I might feel bad about or unreasonably harsh for sending?
Should I send the letter that begs for him to return?
The one that weeps and cries for his return and ultimately fears that he never will and will inexplicably, and unknown to me, throw away?
Or should I send the letter of each other letter, mentioned and not?
The one buried beneath all else: containing my feelings, my thoughts, my aches and pains, my hopes and desires, and all else?
I sit and wonder and others around me question my wondering.
They question why I wonder
instead of going straight on and forward, as they say, and getting rid of the problem
they question my reasons for sticking to him and not trying to find someone else,
maybe someone better,
because maybe I wouldn't have to look that far or hard,
and maybe I know that.
...
This letter, all-knowing of everything I know to be true in my head and omniscient of all that lies in my heart, would be the perfect letter in the perfect setting
if only I could find it, in all its perfectness, underneath this pile-up of absolutely everything in my head.
since you been gone.
And then, the face stays--
just forehead and eyes and upper nose or nostrils
maybe
but, nevertheless, directly half-and-half of my viewpoint.
I see it
but not the whole thing
as in, not the whole picture
I simply, inexplicably cannot see, nor imagine, the whole picture although I'm pretty sure I know what it looks
at least kind of
like
like you
being gone
and all
and fallen off the face of the earth... except not really...
I just don't know.
And I can't decide or determine whether the face watches with solemn passivity
or looks on as I make a decision
or counts the seconds until I come to the final conclusion
or sees my brain turn and wind up
or senses my heart back down and step up, steadily or not so much, like the constant rolls of thunder or waves in the sea
or reminisces about its own memories, other, more interesting things it has witnessed and completely ignores me
or counsels my spirit with that knowing look
or blankly stares for it so happens to be inanimate
Does being inanimate mean anything to a mask?
If not, why does it matter?
And if not, what could "being inanimate" keep the mask from doing?
Why is it even a mask now?
It's just a face
And it watches carefully, or not.
And it watches unknowingly, or the opposite.
And it watches as I make my decision
and reach for a letter
buried beneath.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Yeahhh...ummm. It's one o'clock in the morning.
Yeahh.. I don't really want to go to sleep because I don't really feel like I have anything to sleep for. I don't have anything much important to do tomorrow. I don't have to get up in the morning. Sleep isn't happening yet. I don't really feel that there is anything to sleep for.
I mean, who's going to be there to talk to tomorrow?
The same people.
Of course, I adore all of them...but ... There's something that I'm missing.
And anyone observant could probably figure it out.
I just don't have much of a reason to sleep right now.
Not much of a reason or two.
But I'm going to sleep soon.
Plus, if I don't go pretty soon I'll start to get hungry and that's always uncomfortable...
I mean, who's going to be there to talk to tomorrow?
The same people.
Of course, I adore all of them...but ... There's something that I'm missing.
And anyone observant could probably figure it out.
I just don't have much of a reason to sleep right now.
Not much of a reason or two.
But I'm going to sleep soon.
Plus, if I don't go pretty soon I'll start to get hungry and that's always uncomfortable...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
SONG OF THE DAYZE
Oh my goo.... I have not done this in SOO TOO LOONG.
WATERFALL BY TLC
I loooovveee this song... It's amazing. ^_^ I haven't listened to the whole thing recently...just heard part of it on the radio, though, and I love it. It's just... such a good song. It really flows, like water, which the song is about so it makes sense.
OOOHHHH I COULD SING THIS FOR VOICE...
WATERFALL BY TLC
I loooovveee this song... It's amazing. ^_^ I haven't listened to the whole thing recently...just heard part of it on the radio, though, and I love it. It's just... such a good song. It really flows, like water, which the song is about so it makes sense.
OOOHHHH I COULD SING THIS FOR VOICE...
The fantasticness of MOI, ME, YOURS TRULY. Yay
#213
When I share a blog with someone...there's always the fear...that they'll see something they don't like...and it drives them away. Or anything that drives them away. And I love to share, but sometimes it's hard. You know?
Just..thinking about that. Hook is sleeping in my room...and I am on the bed.
And the rest is still unread.
Because it's future, see?
GAH YOU INTERRUPTED MY BEAUTIFUL POETRY.
.. It's okay. :)
It's time to splurge the abnormality.
Irony, no? Exactly. It's not irony.
So so sorry ... This is definitely considerable as randomness..moving along. :)<3kitty
When I share a blog with someone...there's always the fear...that they'll see something they don't like...and it drives them away. Or anything that drives them away. And I love to share, but sometimes it's hard. You know?
Just..thinking about that. Hook is sleeping in my room...and I am on the bed.
And the rest is still unread.
Because it's future, see?
GAH YOU INTERRUPTED MY BEAUTIFUL POETRY.
.. It's okay. :)
It's time to splurge the abnormality.
Irony, no? Exactly. It's not irony.
So so sorry ... This is definitely considerable as randomness..moving along. :)<3kitty
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