Summer Solstice Part 2

You know it's weird, right?
That the only contact I'll ever have
with you much
is over text.
And my last self will cry because
I've forgotten your voice.
And hello this self will fear
that you're just messaging
just because
and I'm your last option,
And I don't want to waste my time on that,
The Lord knows it.
So maybe you are real,
because even though telling you my world
makes the troubles even more real,
And that realness bites my face, and
slaps the tears beyond my insides,
The telling makes you as much more real
And that is one of the greatest improvements a body could get—
Is for a human to feel more in reach
To another,
And for a human to feel more real.
I need the existing humans in my life
They please me to no end
I will always love you for "kind of just because you simply exist".

A Really Old Bzoink Survey (probably from 2 years ago haha-->. I think I was 15, yeah, it had to be two years ago because I was on the phone with Sir Some Guy the most haha). And omg sorry the title is so long but this is awesome. I love this so much. :3

Really Long Survey (over 200) Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 503472 times on Bzoink
What is your name?:	Kitty. Let's go with that and make it easy.
Are you named after anyone?:	.. yes.. my grandmother and Hannah from the Bible..
Would you name a child of yours after you?:	no. but I might incorporate part of my name into theirs
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?:	I have no idea.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?:	hmmm....Isabel lol maybe...
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?:	yeah.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:	no
Basics
Your gender::	female
Straight/Gay/Bi::	straight
Single?:	noo
If not, do you want to be?:	n/a
Birthdate::	sept
Your age::	old enough ;)
Age you act::	17 lol no... 15 sounds good
Age you wish you were::	mine is just fine, thankyouverymuch. I'd like to stay here a while.
Your height::	5'7". In case I ever go missing, I'll go ahead and put this on here so y'all will know how tall I am. XD
Eye color::	brown
Happy with it?:	yes :)
Hair color::	brown
Happy with it?:	yes :)
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous::	righty
Your living arrangement::	room by myself. house with mom, dad, brother.
Your family::	mom, dad, brother.
Have any pets?:	two cats, two dogs (omg two dogs yayyyy)
Whats your job?:	to be a teenager and a kid and do my chores and make the right decisions.
Piercings?:	no, sadly.
Tattoos?:	no, but my mom thinks I'll get one before it's all over with.
Obsessions?:	uhhhhh... maybe.
Addictions?:	I don't think so.
Do you speak another language?:	partially Spanish
Have a favorite quote?:	"People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, play you, rate you, and break you, but that's what makes you." -Anonymous
Do you have a webpage?:	yes :) I'm putting this survey on it. I also have another. and another. and another ;) But the one I'm putting this on is an ACTUAL WEBPAGE. OK.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?:	I try to. I'm pretty good at it. I mean, that's what I see my therapist for and have been for months soo, lets hope so ;)
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:	Yes. Very.
Do you have any secrets?:	Of course. Everybody has secrets.
Do you hate yourself?:	No.
Do you like your handwriting?:	Yes :) Most of the time.
Do you have any bad habits?:	picking (dermatillomania/compulsive skin picking)...picking at my fingernails as well...staying up late
What is the compliment you get from most people?:	that I'm really nice... really super nice and understanding.. and have an excellent disposition and outlook on stuff. ^/////^
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?:	A Splurge Of Abnormality... haha noo... that would be cool... maybe actually though.... To Belong In This World
Can you sing?:	yes! ^_^
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:	maybe
Are you a loner?:	not really. No, definitely not lol
What are your #1 priorities in life?:	to make the right decisions. to be kind. to respect myself and others. my family. my faith. strengthening my relationship with God.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?:	Yes :))
Are you a daredevil?:	Not really. But I'll take a chance every now and then... I mean, come one guys... YOLO. XD
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:	I fear my panic attacks. I fear that I will die scared of dying. I fear that I won't ever stop picking for good.
Are you passive or agressive?:	passive. I can be aggressive though; however, my friends would probably tell you otherwise.
Do you have a journal?:	Yes. Many. XD
What is your greatest strength and weakness?:	Greatest Strength: love,... Greatest Weakness: doubt
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:	To have more self-confidence.... naahh... to have a better relationship with God and my faith and not have as much doubt
Do you think you are emotionally strong?:	Yes.. pretty much.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?:	I wonder if I'll regret not having a band. I regret forgetting how to play the guitar but not much because I can relearn that. So... I don't really regret much.
Do you think life has been good so far?:	Yes. Life has been wonderful ^_^
What do you like the most about your body?:	my tan ;) teehee no but seriously... Idk... I like my legs. and my arms
And least?:	shaving.
Do you think you are good looking?:	yes :)
Are you confident?:	yes, for the most part.
What is the fictional character you are most like?:	I don't know. Hermione? haha I really have no idea. And no to the Hermione however much I may love her...there's got to be somebody better for me.
Are you perceived wrongly?:	Probably ^_^... yes.
Do You...
Smoke?:	no ew...
Read the newspaper?:	not anymore. We don't get the newspaper because it saves money.
Pray?:	Not enough. :(
Go to church?:	yes :)
Talk to strangers who IM you?:	no. I used to on skype but that's just a baaad idea. That was when I first got skype.
Sleep with stuffed animals?:	yes lol kind of... not in a while.. I sleep with a big HUGE stuffed pillow.
Take walks in the rain?:	not enough :(
Talk to people even though you hate them?:	I don't hate anybody. (Please, feel free to inquire about that...I know..it sounds...weird)
Drive?:	Yes
Like to drive fast?:	haha No!
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?:	I have and would always ;) although I didn't when I first heard it recorded....
Hurt yourself?:	I have. I probably will again, but not for long :) And cutting isn't and was never an option... or burning...the only self harm that is an option is Dermatillomania.
Been out of the country?:	I have and will in a week and will next year.
Eaten something that made other people sick?:	I have, I think, and no I probably wouldn't.
Been in love?:	I have and will hopefully be in the future more.
Gone skinny dipping?:	I would
Had a medical emergency?:	I have
Had surgery?:	I have
Ran away from home?:	I wouldn't. I can't. I live too far out...there's nowhere I'd go. The road to walk on is too dangerous; however, that didn't stop my brother lol.
Gotten beaten up?:	I haven't. Hopefully I won't either ^_^
Beaten someone up?:	I haven't. I would if I need to.
Been picked on?:	I have and probably will be more
Been on stage?:	I have and would in the future
Slept outdoors?:	I have and would in the next week or three or so
Thought about suicide?:	I have but would never consider it for myself. That is also not an option.
Pulled an all nighter?:	I have
If yes, what is your record?:	I stayed up almost all night the sun was like...going to come up in a few hours I think,
Gone one day without food?:	I might have. I wouldn't again. That's a bad idea. Plus, I do too many things that require food.
Talked on the phone all night?:	I would.
Slept all day?:	I have
Killed someone?:	I... have not... and would hope I would not...
Made out with a stranger?:	I have not and probably would not
Kissed the same sex?:	I have not and probably would not
Been betrayed?:	I have and probably would
Had a dream that came true?:	I have and would hopefully :)
Broken the law?:	I have probably somehow and hopefully won't again lol
Met a famous person?:	I have and would again, definitely!
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?:	I would with my car...I just know it.
On purpose?:	I would not
Stolen anything?:	>.> I have. I would not again. It was one pink jellybean at WalMart... >.>
Been on radio/tv?:	I have and would love to again ^_^
Been in a mosh-pit?:	I would
Had a nervous breakdown?:	I have
Bungee jumped?:	I would NEVER
Had a dream that kept coming back?:	I have and would again
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?:	I have and would kind of
Miracles?:	I have would and do believe
Astrology?:	Astrology? Is that a trick question? yes? oh wait...nah... probably not.
Magic?:	I have and would and do lol
God?:	I have and would and do :)
Satan?:	I have and would.... and kind of do.
Santa?:	I have and and.... don't... I believe in the spirit of Santa Clause.
Ghosts?:	I have... and don't.
Luck?:	I have and would and do kind of
Love at first sight?:	I have and would and do.
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?:	I have but don't.
Witches?:	I have but don't.
Easter bunny?:	I have but don't
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?:	I have and would and do forever.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?:	I have and would and do in a sense.
Do you wish on stars?:	I have, but not enough, and would again please :)
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:	Yes. Kind of.
Do you think God has a gender?:	No. It's weird... but okay.
Do you believe in organized religion?:	Kind of? What? Yes. Okay... Yes. Yes, I do.
Where do you think we go when we die?:	Heaven.. or Hell... :( I don't want ANYBODY to go to hell.....
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:	ummm...hmmm....I don't think sooo..oh! wait! maybe.
Who is your best friend?:	Bisael and others
Your favourite inside joke?:	ummm...ripped pants? NO NO NO MY FAVORITE IS THIS: Candy that you give to zombies..like in a haunted house for The Great Hot Goddess' birthday party. Every now and then I need a piece of candy that you give to zombies.
Newest?:	uhh... The Gent... except not really because I've known him longer than sooo many of them..umm... one of my camper friends in broadcasting camp. yeah, we'll be easy and go with that lol. Or Z
Shyest?:	...uhhh.. OH! AudLange
Funniest?:	..hmmm gosh that's REALLY HARD. Seriously.... LeeLee... or... Sherlock...
Sweetest?:	AudLange
Closest?:	Bisael probably
Weirdest?:	umm... uhhh.. we're all weird?? oh wait...nah... never mind... ummm... yeah that would be me. XP
Smartest?:	my brother.
Ditziest?:	uh. UhuhMLee maybe
Friends you miss being close to the most?:	Bisaelish... uhhh..
Last person you talked to online?:	uhhh Lexbri
Who do you talk to most online?:	Lexbri and Chappers
Who are you on the phone with most?:	Sir Some Guy and ... Sherlock maybe The Gent but that was just one day so no never mind.
Who do you trust most?:	hmmm Bisael. Sir Some Guy. my brother.
Who listens to your problems?:	E!XD She's ALWAYS there for me.
Who do you fight most with?:	my brother ;) uhhh... yeah..idk... the group... as a group... I fight against in my head
Do you always feel understood?:	no
Do you trust others easily?:	I think so. I want them to.
Do your friends know you?:	Yes
Friend that lives farthest away::	Karlita
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?:	No
What do you find romantic?:	ummm... ^//////^ my boyfriend okay let's go with that yeah
Turn-on?:	being an eagle scout... HAHAHA NO NOT REALLY. That IS pretty hot...but okay... ummm.. I'm being serious now! In all seriousness...biggest turn on... when somebody looks into your eyes when they're talking to you. That's huge. And manners? Being polite? That's awesome.
Turn-off?:	lying. dropping the f-bomb 24/7.
First kiss?:	library, seventh grade, nothing special, okay :)
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?:	I feel guilty, sad, as if I'm only here to hurt people in the end, like I'm going to lose his friendship, like he's going to enjoy being around me less, sad, uncomfortable, disappointed
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going:	Yes
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out:	No because the guys like it and that's all that matters.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv:	No.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?:	Sure ;)
What is best about the opposite sex?:	They're big! LOL no... Guys are just... really fun to be around... I have the best times with a guyfriend or two.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?:	smelly maybe .... nahhh.. definitely their drama. But I can remove myself from that. Or the cussing, which I can't exactly remove myself from because it's just there.
Are you in love?:	yes :)
Do you consider your significant other hot?:	-_- Y U ASK ME THAT. yes ;)
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:	no oneee???? o.O
You wanted to kill?:	no one
That you laughed at?:	The Gent possibly. ohp, nope, that would be Sherlock or Lexbri
That laughed at you?:	uhhhh Sherlock definitely.
That turned you on?:	idk
You went shopping with?:	my mom
That broke your heart?:	my ex. Or a friend.
To disappoint you?:	Chappers or myself
To ask you out?:	not really sure
To make you cry?:	myself
To brighten up your day?:	^_^ oh my goo! Bisael! She really did it :)) I mean, The Gent, and Darth Kyder, and Lexbri, and my brother TOTALLY did but BISAEL made me SOAR.
That you thought about?:	Sir Some Guy
You saw a movie with?:	ooohhh Lexbri, Darth Kyder, my brother, and The Gent
You talked to on the phone?:	ummm... my mom
You talked to through IM/ICQ?:	Lexbri
You saw?:	my mother
You lost?:	EJ maybe
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?:	no
Will it be with your significant other?:	n/a
Or some random person?:	n/a
What are you wearing right now?:	ducky silky pajama bottoms and a red white and blue striped tank top
What are you worried about right now?:	whether I'm going to hurt another friend, whether my mom is going to come looking for me
What book are you reading?:	Uglies
Are you bored?:	no
Are you tired?:	not really
Are you talking to anyone online?:	no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?:	no
Are you lonely or content?:	content, but I miss my friends :(
Are you listening to music?:	no

Two Songs... Nope, Now Make That Three

No Surprise by Daughtry - part of it is just perfect for how I felt about breaking up with Sir Some Guy

Your Love Is A Song by Switchfoot - I just... love love love this song. I guess I don't know exactly who I'm singing it for anymore.. I guess.. Yeah, probably still Sir Some Guy, but not to be singing that it still is now. But that's okay because it was and I can still feel it. It just doesn't affect me in the way it used to.

Which is fine.

Sad, but fine.

When A Heart Breaks by Ben Rector - Yes, Ben Rector. Yes. And this one is for them all.  It's for all my friends: Sir Some Guy, Lexbri, Chappers, and my other friends who have been through heartbreak of any sort whether or not I've noticed it as much as these past three (except the fictional kind ;) I know how important that is to people, yes. I really do. But this song just ain't for you from my mind). One of my favorite lines is "it isn't easy. It isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus 'til you're here." That's the part that really speaks to me, for me and also for Sir Some Guy...since I think we're the only two out of that (at least the ones I can think of off the top of my head) who actually believe in Jesus and go to Church and stuff. Another favorite is "I know the pain of a heartbreak." For me, when I sing it (and when I don't), it completely speaks to me for all of them + me. Another favorite part is, "I don't have answers and neither do you. I know the pain of a heartbreak." Right now for me, this is especially directed towards Lexbri since she recently went through a breakup and it's been hard on her (well, duh, it'd be hard on anyone. And on the off chance that she's reading this...: I want you to know that there is not time frame by which you "should be over him". That's really silly. Everyone is different and if you're not over him as much as you think you should be in the next day, week, or six months, that's okay! Heck, I wasn't absolutely 100% over him until... four months later (when I woke up from a dream about it all in the beginning of summer and realized I wanted nothing to do with him xD It was kind of amusing...as if it were straight out of a movie. I made myself sit right up and everything directly after I woke up and repeat it out loud. "Wow. I'm actually completely, 100% over him!" and I don't think I said this out loud but I remember thinking, "Wow...I thought I was already over him," but I really don't think I had been up until that point). A similar set of phrases to the last one I mentioned, "I don't need answers. I just need some peace. I just need someone who could help me get some sleep, who could help me get some sleep." is also one of my favorites. And I think I have that. Lexbri, Chappers, and others definitely fall into that category. Sir Some Guy and I are still friends and I could still tell him probably close to as many personal things as before, but the only thing that "could help me get some sleep" about him is my content feelings with the fact that we are as close as we are, even if maybe it doesn't seem like anything in comparison to what we had before.

Fine, here's another one that just came up a few minutes ago because my Pandora is playing while I'm writing this and while I'm writing about songs that have been speaking to me recently, I might as well mention these other two. First:

A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope - Chappers. This has always been for Chappers, but not from my point of view for him. When he really liked one of our other friends, and I listened to this song, I immediately thought of him and how this is probably how he was feeling and how much I hoped things would work out between them. Maybe it didn't work out the way Chappers (or I) was thinking of, but it worked. (not that I necessarily thought they would get together...I really had no sufficient knowledge on it. I just knew that he was unhappy to be in the friendzone and I wanted him to be happy. If I ever put someone in the friendzone who despises it as much as he does... akdlfajsdkA I WILL EAT SOMETHING IN PURE RAGE. OR JUST BE RAGEFUL IN PURE RAGE. ugh.-_-.)

Second:

The Beat by Ben Rector - And then there's The Beat by Ben Rector (I just love his music, especially from his album, "Into The Morning".) It's perfect, I think, for any of my friends: Chappers, Bisael, Sherlock, Lexbri, the rest of them that I can't list right now because I need to go eat ASAP... BUT IT'S JUST FOR "ALL OF YE", my dear friends. And it's just a very "forward-motion", moving song to me. Moving in the way "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot is. It's one of those songs that gets inside of me and dares me to move. It has a great upbeat tone, too, which makes it also different from "I Dare You To Move".

In Addition....

Rocketship by Shane Harper - I also love this song. I guess I'm putting it on here mostly because it's got a great beat and I love the lyrics and the beat and I found it fairly recently and discovered Mr. Shane Harper recently. It's just a great upbeat song about love...instead of another one of those sad ones asking "do you love me or are you going to break my heart are you going to make me cry?" it's happy and cute and probably how I would feel if I fell in love again and I love it. Shy but wondering and needing to know...except idk because it's not like this song is speaking to me about anyone, I just love it.

Okay, well, that's a wrap.

I also will forever-love "Never Say Never" by the Fray. Beautiful, beautiful song. You should really look up the lyrics and I love singing it.

-Love, Peaches, Chicken Greases. Rock On.\m/-

Well. My Heart Hurts.

Well now that I've officially broken up with my boyfriend of eight months....
I figured I'd come here first to share the news.
Then I'll go to 2belonginthisworld
and eventually, when I have more time, I'll let my tumblr peeps know.
As if most of them knew I was dating someone in the first place, right?

Anyways, I figured it was most important to come here because this has ALWAYS been here for me.

I think I started this after my first (and middle school) heartbreak.
I'm actually kinda glad I got to be the one to officially end this.
Somehow, it seems it's left me with a little more closure.
Now, I just need to find my phone and shoot him a brief text and pointing him towards his Facebook messages for the lengthy explanations and thank yous and stuff.

Because I really appreciate all he did for me.
It was a beautiful, wonderful relationship and I adored him. I really have all this time.
He was a rock and he was the Venus that blew my mind and kept me going and came to me at the most important times.
I guess one of us just got uprooted–maybe both of us–and we drifted a little too out of reach.

[*It's Not My Time by 3 Doors down]

Anyways, that's it. I'm single. I'm a free bird again! But this time, the free bird is once again sad and there is a great weight on my wings.
After I sent him the message, I changed my relationship status from nothing listed to "single".
As I started writing the message, I made a chat for me, Lexbri, Chappers, and Sherlock.
We talked and I cried and I know they support my decision and they'll always always be there for me and I love them more than anything and I think they kind of know that. But not enough. They quite possibly will never know enough.
They'll come close, because they're just that awesome ;) but I'll make sure my love and appreciation for them will be so great that they will never, ever, fully, completely understand.
--I'll share the beautifully kind and generous words they said about me later. Right now, it's kind of late and I have to take a practice ACT tomorrow for the first 4 periods of school. Wheeeee :P

[*Real World by Matchbox Twenty]

After I changed my relationship status, I changed my profile picture to that one with my state date from XC that I was meaning to change to before I officially made up my mind anyways.
I also changed my cover photo to one of me and Lexbri that Chappers took when Sherlock came back in town and we (and a couple others, including Bisael) spent a few hours in market square
When Laure from France gets back with me, I may change my cover photo to that of me and those two lovely Frenchies. I miss them.

Oh my gosh. God, I am so blessed with these wonderful, beautiful people in my life. Whether they come and stay in my life for eight months, 10 years, 16 years, 4 years, 1 year and counting, or a few days, thank You so much for all of them. You are so Great. And You have made me so blessed and I don't know why sometimes You do these such great things for me, but I am forever, forever grateful and thankful.
And I think I'm at peace now. For now, anyways.
I'm meeting with Dr. S on Thursday. I can't wait to tell her and get a good cry out of it.
I love You, God!
Thank you for all of this and thank You for Sir Some Guy. Thank You for all the time You gave us together. I so appreciate it...
There are so many good memories of that.
and it seems that he just might always have a special place in my heart of memories.
Thank You. Goodnight. I see now a little.... How Thou Shall Have It.
I went out on a limb and I feel okay.
But still, I pray:
I still need to put this in Your hands and let go of it because I'm not done letting go yet... but here it is, Father, here are my sorrows and this relationship and I put it in Your hands now so You can have it As Thou Shall Have It.
Amen.

*Soldier by Gavin Degraw*

Thank You for being my soldier and for helping me to be a soldier, God.
Thank you, my friends... my dearest, dearest friends... for being my soldiers and helping me to be a soldier.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do this as well without you any less of any of you.

I Will Be A Writer. I Will Write Books.

Say hi to my new mantra!
I'm waiting.
Seriously, go ahead and say it...

...

And if that's something that you would like to become true of you as well.. um there's this thing (THIS REALLY COOL THING, BTW) called National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short) and this really long linky here goes to their website (nanowrimo.org). Since it's the fifth, we're on the fifth day of writing so if you start now you may have a whole heck of a lot of catching up to do (about 8,800 words if you want to go by the clean-cut division that the NaNoWriMo peeps made of the 50,000 words in 30 days)... but you will be among friends in having a lot of catching up to do.

I, for one, have school that I have to o to and study for and do homework for. I have 5,000-something words, and as I previously mentioned, the "clean-cut" and ideal amount of words to have on the 5th of November is 8,000-something.
So.

That is okay.
You get pep talks from people in your NaNoMail .. and it's really really super nice because each and everyone of the pep talks so far has helped me.
I'll tell you what I liked best about each one later. Maybe this weekend or something when I have more time.

As for now, Happy Non-Daylight Savings Time!

Andnnndd.. I am proud to announce that my Cross Country team won our State meet on Saturday!! WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON!!!!!
AND OH MY GOO IT WAS SO EXCITING!!!

And now I'm going to get the date, "2012" on the back of my jacket and we get rings. Guys! I'm going to get a RING of all things! For my cross country team!
Even though I've officially moved over to the bowling team, now that I am no longer doing cross country, I have this empty spot where it used to be.

As we were riding on the bus back from the meet, I looked around and suddenly had no idea what the heck I was going to do with myself after that.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore.
Cross Country, over time, became my life this year.

Oh, and I lost my iPad, which is probably the worst news.

I also saw Sherlock and Babb, which is probably the best news.

Other bad news is that I still haven't heard from Sir Some Guy (my boyfriend) and now we're going on 4 weeks.
As I said on my pinker ;) blog, I'm willing to start over with him, but I'm not going to wait forever for him to contact me.
This really is NOT COOL.
NOT COOL AT ALL.
And it's annoying the heck out of me.

However, I have homework that I need to be figuring out how to do.
Ugh.
So much homework.
At least it's only 9. It feels like 10. And that's probably because I'm not used to Non-Daylight Savings Time yet.

That's okay, though. I'll probably get used to it.

^_^ I'm getting back into the habit of blogging and it's really making me happy.
I might even (if I have time, which I probably won't) give my blog (yes, this one!) the makeover it's been silently screaming for since forever over the weekend.

So,
love/peaches/chicken greases/rock on,
Kitty

Soooo

Apparently I'm not going to get to sleep outside tonight because it's already getting dark and I probably can't set up a tent in the dark and tomorrow is going to be Monday and I haven't run yet and I really need to and tomorrow I have swim team and tomorrow I'll only have 14ish days left until I go out of the country and I haven't seen any of my friends in over a week and I miss them and I want to see my boyfriend before I leave and he's going to be in boy scout camp all week and I'm not sleeping outside tonight and I really really really really really really really really wanted to.

Magpie #121

Magpie #121

The letters and the faces,

they line up among the places

where I placed them on my brown desk many moons ago

Now there lies but on face

and scattered letters calling in chase

for him to come back home

And the bill of rights

and the bill of times

the bill of electricity lays too

And I would say I don't know what to do

here without you

But I do, in fact, know what to do

I just don't know what I

want to do

about you.

Should I send the letter that lays in the open?

The one that lays, stark and naked, straight forward as hell and blunt?

Should I sent the letter that resides completely next to it?

The one that rests, casually but firmly, with belief that we can work this out?

Should I sent the letter that accuses and points the fingers of blame?

The one that could definitely be supported without a doubt, but that I might feel bad about or unreasonably harsh for sending?

Should I send the letter that begs for him to return?

The one that weeps and cries for his return and ultimately fears that he never will and will inexplicably, and unknown to me, throw away?

Or should I send the letter of each other letter, mentioned and not?

The one buried beneath all else: containing my feelings, my thoughts, my aches and pains, my hopes and desires, and all else?

I sit and wonder and others around me question my wondering.

They question why I wonder

instead of going straight on and forward, as they say, and getting rid of the problem

they question my reasons for sticking to him and not trying to find someone else,

maybe someone better,

because maybe I wouldn't have to look that far or hard,

and maybe I know that.

...

This letter, all-knowing of everything I know to be true in my head and omniscient of all that lies in my heart, would be the perfect letter in the perfect setting

if only I could find it, in all its perfectness, underneath this pile-up of absolutely everything in my head.

since you been gone.

And then, the face stays--

just forehead and eyes and upper nose or nostrils

maybe

but, nevertheless, directly half-and-half of my viewpoint.

I see it

but not the whole thing

as in, not the whole picture

I simply, inexplicably cannot see, nor imagine, the whole picture although I'm pretty sure I know what it looks

at least kind of

like

 like you

 being gone

 and all

 and fallen off the face of the earth... except not really...

 I just don't know.

And I can't decide or determine whether the face watches with solemn passivity

or looks on as I make a decision

or counts the seconds until I come to the final conclusion

or sees my brain turn and wind up

or senses my heart back down and step up, steadily or not so much, like the constant rolls of thunder or waves in the sea

or reminisces about its own memories, other, more interesting things it has witnessed and completely ignores me

or counsels my spirit with that knowing look

or blankly stares for it so happens to be inanimate

Does being inanimate mean anything to a mask?

If not, why does it matter?

And if not, what could "being inanimate" keep the mask from doing?

Why is it even a mask now?

It's just a face

And it watches carefully, or not.

And it watches unknowingly, or the opposite.

And it watches as I make my decision

and reach for a letter

buried beneath.

Yeahhh...ummm. It's one o'clock in the morning.

Yeahh.. I don't really want to go to sleep because I don't really feel like I have anything to sleep for. I don't have anything much important to do tomorrow. I don't have to get up in the morning. Sleep isn't happening yet. I don't really feel that there is anything to sleep for.

I mean, who's going to be there to talk to tomorrow?
The same people.

Of course, I adore all of them...but ... There's something that I'm missing.

And anyone observant could probably figure it out.

I just don't have much of a reason to sleep right now.

Not much of a reason or two.

But I'm going to sleep soon.

Plus, if I don't go pretty soon I'll start to get hungry and that's always uncomfortable...