Summer Solstice Part 2

You know it's weird, right?
That the only contact I'll ever have
with you much
is over text.
And my last self will cry because
I've forgotten your voice.
And hello this self will fear
that you're just messaging
just because
and I'm your last option,
And I don't want to waste my time on that,
The Lord knows it.
So maybe you are real,
because even though telling you my world
makes the troubles even more real,
And that realness bites my face, and
slaps the tears beyond my insides,
The telling makes you as much more real
And that is one of the greatest improvements a body could get—
Is for a human to feel more in reach
To another,
And for a human to feel more real.
I need the existing humans in my life
They please me to no end
I will always love you for "kind of just because you simply exist".

Summer Solstice Part 1

The Wall And The Arm
"Let's catch up,"
said the wall to the arm.
After all this time,
wow, you've grown.
There is so much more of you
that I could possibly love.
Our elbows will hold each other in the dark room
push against and sway
and I will avoid your eyes
when you sing the songs of yesteryears
those songs of our parents
the songs where "baby" and "lovin" are
so much deeper rooted into the movement.
Each song.
And your laugh is terrifying
because it sounds forced
and like you're trying to get me to laugh
or get my attention,
but after listening to your mother's laugh,
I know it's probably because I don't actually know you all that well.
But I remember you had this white car that I loved
and I moved awkwardly when we kissed by it in the parking lot,
but you still kissed me,
still.
And you would kiss me again.
And I have a boyfriend now,
but I let my farthest corner touch your elbow and—
Lovely and—
Quiet and—
Remember me and—
I am finally here again, and
with you of all places.

June 22, 2014. 1:07 am.

So I Totally Forgot About The Poem I Had Planned On Sharing This Morning....

Here it is.. It starts out simply for my friends, moves to my entire grade, then to everybody in my high school, and then to the entire school (I go to a K-12 school).:


Walls Don't Have To Know
I have to hold on to you
because you are real
and good
and just as tired as I am.
And when rafters are rusting,
and paint is scraping itself off the walls,
and my body feels like it's falling apart,
 a single you can be the little things
that piece me back to laughter
and through that, life.
But
there are so many of you,
so when my family goes through this wretched
divorce phenomenon
something inside me looks around
and sees a hundred walls standing at the ready,
balanced upon two hundred pairs of legs upon pairs of feet.
Five hundred walls
reach further
in case I can't hold myself up against the bubbling air.
Five hundred walls in case I can't keep moving, because
they'll keep moving.
Eventually, then, I'll have to move.
A hundred walls will push me away from the floor.
Imagine what this thousand would do.

160th post! quote of the dayze!!! (and "translation)

When you put yourself on the line in a race and expose yourself to the unknown, you learn things about yourself that are very exciting.  Doris Brown Heritage, Five-time World Cross-Country Champion

^5/3/11
[Update: lol, it's totally not the 160th post anymore...and I have no idea what I was talking about by "translation"]

Two Songs... Nope, Now Make That Three

No Surprise by Daughtry - part of it is just perfect for how I felt about breaking up with Sir Some Guy

Your Love Is A Song by Switchfoot - I just... love love love this song. I guess I don't know exactly who I'm singing it for anymore.. I guess.. Yeah, probably still Sir Some Guy, but not to be singing that it still is now. But that's okay because it was and I can still feel it. It just doesn't affect me in the way it used to.

Which is fine.

Sad, but fine.

When A Heart Breaks by Ben Rector - Yes, Ben Rector. Yes. And this one is for them all.  It's for all my friends: Sir Some Guy, Lexbri, Chappers, and my other friends who have been through heartbreak of any sort whether or not I've noticed it as much as these past three (except the fictional kind ;) I know how important that is to people, yes. I really do. But this song just ain't for you from my mind). One of my favorite lines is "it isn't easy. It isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus 'til you're here." That's the part that really speaks to me, for me and also for Sir Some Guy...since I think we're the only two out of that (at least the ones I can think of off the top of my head) who actually believe in Jesus and go to Church and stuff. Another favorite is "I know the pain of a heartbreak." For me, when I sing it (and when I don't), it completely speaks to me for all of them + me. Another favorite part is, "I don't have answers and neither do you. I know the pain of a heartbreak." Right now for me, this is especially directed towards Lexbri since she recently went through a breakup and it's been hard on her (well, duh, it'd be hard on anyone. And on the off chance that she's reading this...: I want you to know that there is not time frame by which you "should be over him". That's really silly. Everyone is different and if you're not over him as much as you think you should be in the next day, week, or six months, that's okay! Heck, I wasn't absolutely 100% over him until... four months later (when I woke up from a dream about it all in the beginning of summer and realized I wanted nothing to do with him xD It was kind of amusing...as if it were straight out of a movie. I made myself sit right up and everything directly after I woke up and repeat it out loud. "Wow. I'm actually completely, 100% over him!" and I don't think I said this out loud but I remember thinking, "Wow...I thought I was already over him," but I really don't think I had been up until that point). A similar set of phrases to the last one I mentioned, "I don't need answers. I just need some peace. I just need someone who could help me get some sleep, who could help me get some sleep." is also one of my favorites. And I think I have that. Lexbri, Chappers, and others definitely fall into that category. Sir Some Guy and I are still friends and I could still tell him probably close to as many personal things as before, but the only thing that "could help me get some sleep" about him is my content feelings with the fact that we are as close as we are, even if maybe it doesn't seem like anything in comparison to what we had before.

Fine, here's another one that just came up a few minutes ago because my Pandora is playing while I'm writing this and while I'm writing about songs that have been speaking to me recently, I might as well mention these other two. First:

A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope - Chappers. This has always been for Chappers, but not from my point of view for him. When he really liked one of our other friends, and I listened to this song, I immediately thought of him and how this is probably how he was feeling and how much I hoped things would work out between them. Maybe it didn't work out the way Chappers (or I) was thinking of, but it worked. (not that I necessarily thought they would get together...I really had no sufficient knowledge on it. I just knew that he was unhappy to be in the friendzone and I wanted him to be happy. If I ever put someone in the friendzone who despises it as much as he does... akdlfajsdkA I WILL EAT SOMETHING IN PURE RAGE. OR JUST BE RAGEFUL IN PURE RAGE. ugh.-_-.)

Second:

The Beat by Ben Rector - And then there's The Beat by Ben Rector (I just love his music, especially from his album, "Into The Morning".) It's perfect, I think, for any of my friends: Chappers, Bisael, Sherlock, Lexbri, the rest of them that I can't list right now because I need to go eat ASAP... BUT IT'S JUST FOR "ALL OF YE", my dear friends. And it's just a very "forward-motion", moving song to me. Moving in the way "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot is. It's one of those songs that gets inside of me and dares me to move. It has a great upbeat tone, too, which makes it also different from "I Dare You To Move".

In Addition....

Rocketship by Shane Harper - I also love this song. I guess I'm putting it on here mostly because it's got a great beat and I love the lyrics and the beat and I found it fairly recently and discovered Mr. Shane Harper recently. It's just a great upbeat song about love...instead of another one of those sad ones asking "do you love me or are you going to break my heart are you going to make me cry?" it's happy and cute and probably how I would feel if I fell in love again and I love it. Shy but wondering and needing to know...except idk because it's not like this song is speaking to me about anyone, I just love it.

Okay, well, that's a wrap.

I also will forever-love "Never Say Never" by the Fray. Beautiful, beautiful song. You should really look up the lyrics and I love singing it.

-Love, Peaches, Chicken Greases. Rock On.\m/-

Well. My Heart Hurts.

Well now that I've officially broken up with my boyfriend of eight months....
I figured I'd come here first to share the news.
Then I'll go to 2belonginthisworld
and eventually, when I have more time, I'll let my tumblr peeps know.
As if most of them knew I was dating someone in the first place, right?

Anyways, I figured it was most important to come here because this has ALWAYS been here for me.

I think I started this after my first (and middle school) heartbreak.
I'm actually kinda glad I got to be the one to officially end this.
Somehow, it seems it's left me with a little more closure.
Now, I just need to find my phone and shoot him a brief text and pointing him towards his Facebook messages for the lengthy explanations and thank yous and stuff.

Because I really appreciate all he did for me.
It was a beautiful, wonderful relationship and I adored him. I really have all this time.
He was a rock and he was the Venus that blew my mind and kept me going and came to me at the most important times.
I guess one of us just got uprooted–maybe both of us–and we drifted a little too out of reach.

[*It's Not My Time by 3 Doors down]

Anyways, that's it. I'm single. I'm a free bird again! But this time, the free bird is once again sad and there is a great weight on my wings.
After I sent him the message, I changed my relationship status from nothing listed to "single".
As I started writing the message, I made a chat for me, Lexbri, Chappers, and Sherlock.
We talked and I cried and I know they support my decision and they'll always always be there for me and I love them more than anything and I think they kind of know that. But not enough. They quite possibly will never know enough.
They'll come close, because they're just that awesome ;) but I'll make sure my love and appreciation for them will be so great that they will never, ever, fully, completely understand.
--I'll share the beautifully kind and generous words they said about me later. Right now, it's kind of late and I have to take a practice ACT tomorrow for the first 4 periods of school. Wheeeee :P

[*Real World by Matchbox Twenty]

After I changed my relationship status, I changed my profile picture to that one with my state date from XC that I was meaning to change to before I officially made up my mind anyways.
I also changed my cover photo to one of me and Lexbri that Chappers took when Sherlock came back in town and we (and a couple others, including Bisael) spent a few hours in market square
When Laure from France gets back with me, I may change my cover photo to that of me and those two lovely Frenchies. I miss them.

Oh my gosh. God, I am so blessed with these wonderful, beautiful people in my life. Whether they come and stay in my life for eight months, 10 years, 16 years, 4 years, 1 year and counting, or a few days, thank You so much for all of them. You are so Great. And You have made me so blessed and I don't know why sometimes You do these such great things for me, but I am forever, forever grateful and thankful.
And I think I'm at peace now. For now, anyways.
I'm meeting with Dr. S on Thursday. I can't wait to tell her and get a good cry out of it.
I love You, God!
Thank you for all of this and thank You for Sir Some Guy. Thank You for all the time You gave us together. I so appreciate it...
There are so many good memories of that.
and it seems that he just might always have a special place in my heart of memories.
Thank You. Goodnight. I see now a little.... How Thou Shall Have It.
I went out on a limb and I feel okay.
But still, I pray:
I still need to put this in Your hands and let go of it because I'm not done letting go yet... but here it is, Father, here are my sorrows and this relationship and I put it in Your hands now so You can have it As Thou Shall Have It.
Amen.

*Soldier by Gavin Degraw*

Thank You for being my soldier and for helping me to be a soldier, God.
Thank you, my friends... my dearest, dearest friends... for being my soldiers and helping me to be a soldier.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do this as well without you any less of any of you.

About Me

When I talk to you...if I really enjoy you, or trust you, or probably just WANT to trust you (and I'd like to trust everybody), or if I'm just talking to you and I get brave (which could happen at any moment), there will come a point at which I share each and every one of my thoughts. At that point, I am simply, and inexplicably unsimply, sharing my thoughts and it is up to you whether or not you care or agree. I do not state thoughts to be right, but to share with you the innards of my brain and mind that you may not get to see otherwise. I like to be open. :)