Magpie 225

Mine Is—
Me
I just want to lay lie
to the world.
A beautiful world reaching nothing,
Roses in my hand and bare skin to air.
Don't let the impressionist touch me,
too strong will the curves be to surrender.
Feet don't forget where they've been,
but I do,
and my mind wanders free of all the strife
when I lay lie
to the world.
Winds can't won't
creep up if fans lay somber beside
me.
Then,
with wind no longer the problem,
who am I?
Am I not the water splashing to the surface?
Are legs not the pillars that hold me up,
strong?
Is blood not the sash that stains my waist,
or was it?
Faces don't forget where I'm from,
but I do.

Summer Solstice Part 2

You know it's weird, right?
That the only contact I'll ever have
with you much
is over text.
And my last self will cry because
I've forgotten your voice.
And hello this self will fear
that you're just messaging
just because
and I'm your last option,
And I don't want to waste my time on that,
The Lord knows it.
So maybe you are real,
because even though telling you my world
makes the troubles even more real,
And that realness bites my face, and
slaps the tears beyond my insides,
The telling makes you as much more real
And that is one of the greatest improvements a body could get—
Is for a human to feel more in reach
To another,
And for a human to feel more real.
I need the existing humans in my life
They please me to no end
I will always love you for "kind of just because you simply exist".

Summer Solstice Part 1

The Wall And The Arm
"Let's catch up,"
said the wall to the arm.
After all this time,
wow, you've grown.
There is so much more of you
that I could possibly love.
Our elbows will hold each other in the dark room
push against and sway
and I will avoid your eyes
when you sing the songs of yesteryears
those songs of our parents
the songs where "baby" and "lovin" are
so much deeper rooted into the movement.
Each song.
And your laugh is terrifying
because it sounds forced
and like you're trying to get me to laugh
or get my attention,
but after listening to your mother's laugh,
I know it's probably because I don't actually know you all that well.
But I remember you had this white car that I loved
and I moved awkwardly when we kissed by it in the parking lot,
but you still kissed me,
still.
And you would kiss me again.
And I have a boyfriend now,
but I let my farthest corner touch your elbow and—
Lovely and—
Quiet and—
Remember me and—
I am finally here again, and
with you of all places.

June 22, 2014. 1:07 am.

ughhh it's that one day in summmerrr...

So I totally woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon today. It is now 2:12 pm. I didn't eat anything for dinner last night and I went to bed at 2.

NEVER AGAIN. this is what I used to always do ugh.... alllll summmeerrrr

And I've been super successful at NOT doing that so far. Let's not do this again, okay, Kelsey?

OKKAAYYYYYYYYY????

I don't want to waste my days away. I've been really productive, and it's been so cool!

Magpie 224

Untitled
Am I supposed to know you?
Ye, twin of mine.
With the same playbill of ages in less-than-distance's reach
on both ends
both your side and my side,
we have seen the same shows, have we not?
And our hair comes from the same birth,
and the same shapes,
and the same curls, do they not?
Then, how does the mirror have the power to take the identical identity away?
Why,
when I watch your back,
and you turn your head from mine
for so long,
does the difference between
you and I
shut the sameness away into a box.
We can look in the same direction without seeing the same things,
you know.
And in my brain,
all I see is your back
a retreating, hateful back.
And in your brain,
all you see is nothing
of me.
You never see me until my screams echo the distance between two worlds.
How am I supposed to know you?
Ye, twin of mine,
when our arguments over the same shows
clash against each other,
not like cymbals,
but like fingertips
hitting precisely where bone and skin meet skin and bone,
hitting precisely where the contact causes tingles through the hand,
hitting precisely where it is uncomfortable but not altogether a pain that scars?
And who is on whose side, anyways?
Which hand are you? Which hand am I?
Am I the one who watches your back each day or are you the one behind mine?

June 17, 2014. 3:21 pm.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

This one is about me and my brother (we are actually twins ^_^). I didn't end up using the title of the piece of art, myself, but I'm sure there's a way you could make it relate. :)
We just had an argument over the mail... -_-
All I wanted was a "yes" or "no" about whether or not he was going to get the mail but he just had to ask me a question in response....and guess what it was.... "Can you get it?"
Not even a "no, can you get it?", just a CAN YOU GET IT
For my family, our mailbox is on the left hand side and the driver usually gets it. I was in the passenger seat... He was closer. I mean, yeah, I have something coming in the mail eventually, but i am NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS MAIL AROUND HERE.

So this is pretty much supposed to be about how we are twins but we completely DON'T see eye-to-eye in a lot of situations. I got really mad at him this time. I was yelling in his face by the end of it....which I'm not proud of and will need to apologize to him later. I just don't understand why he wouldn't just give me a "yes" or "no", even after he simply explained himself. All he had to do was give me a solid answer and not the "mu" thing (which pretty much is a neutral answer to a yes/no question and means "the answer is wrong" because it's a yes/no question and there are other answers to it).

Both of us said things that we were absolutely positive the other one should be able to understand. I don't know if it's because I interact with more people during the day and he with less that we're so different in how we want to explain things... but I decided to use this prompt as a way to explore how much we are alike despite our major differences and how it is nearly impossible to tell which one is right and which one is wrong, despite my best and most emotionally fueled desires and beliefs that I was the one who was in the right and he was the one who was absolutely in the wrong. It's a scary and frustrating thing to thing about, but I think that's probably okay. One of those healthy things even though they make your stomach churn and get all up into knots.

Magpie Tales

"Not To Be Reproduced", 1937, Rene Magritte

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈
Love,Peace,ChickenGrease,Rock On ♥

So I'm kind of playing hooky right now...

I'm in the line at Chikfila and camp started at 9 am and now it's 10:38. If any of you have a Chikfila near you, you may know how busy it gets at certain hours... This isn't a super busy time because breakfast JUST ended, but also.. Breakfast JUST ended, so we are all the stragglers. 

At camp, we eat lunch at 11:30 and have snack at 10:30 so I could just go on and not eat anything, but I'm here to give my body some lovin' even though practice wasn't super hard. 

It's not really supposed to be super hard. The plan is to just get the feet hitting the pavement well before August so we don't have a bunch of hurting Kelseys running around (I say that because when I start after a month and a half of swimming, my ankles are really sad and weak). 

I wonder what people think about me when I'm driving or mostly when I'm sitting somewhere like here, because I turn my music up pretty high and roll both front windows down. I definitely look like I'm texting right now haha. Kind of like when people are taking vlogs in public, I guess XD. Oh well. I'm almost to the order place. Don't worry, I turn my music down when I get closer for the people around me and the person on the inside. 

I've got a good idea going in my head for magpie 224... So there's that to look forward to for you guys this afternoon. 

Have a lovely day, although I know not THAT many of you are reading this. I guess this post is kind of boring haha, but I don't care XD. It's just a shout into the void letting you know what I'm doing in response to this gravity that pulls us all in the same direction. 

Love//peace//chickengrease//and rockin please ;) -Kelsey

Listening Now: "Wasteland" and "Difference Maker" by NeedToBreathe

The lines that got my eyes to well up on the drive home....

[Wasteland] "...there is a crack in the door filled with light. And it's all that I need to get by."

[Difference Maker] just the fact of thinking about "oh, I am a difference maker. I am the only one who speaks to [H]him"

For that last one, I guess the wording in some of that song kind of hits funny because it seems like a lot of times when people say something like they're "the friendliest friends of God" their walk of faith believes in things that aren't all that friendly to a lot of more progressive thinkers ... But, like all misunderstood things should be looked at, I tried looking at it differently. I AM the only one who speaks to God for myself. 

And then, there's the whole idea about...is there anyone out there who I am the only one who hears their uttermost feelings and fears and thoughts? Maybe not (like, for me, that's not so), but you could be. You have that potential to be. 

And that gets us to the possibility of crying part for the second song... 

I know how essential of a difference maker I can be in someone else's life, but meanwhile, it seems like I can do little to be a difference maker in my own life and that's what brought me to the brink of tears. It's a good thing and a bad thing and quite a scary concept (using the American definition of "quite" here). 

Anyways I gotta go. Told brother if leave him in five minutes. It's been more. And I still need to get my bathing suit.  

Go TEAM USA!!!! (World Cup)

Love peace chicken grease and rock ok please ;)

So I Totally Forgot About The Poem I Had Planned On Sharing This Morning....

Here it is.. It starts out simply for my friends, moves to my entire grade, then to everybody in my high school, and then to the entire school (I go to a K-12 school).:


Walls Don't Have To Know
I have to hold on to you
because you are real
and good
and just as tired as I am.
And when rafters are rusting,
and paint is scraping itself off the walls,
and my body feels like it's falling apart,
 a single you can be the little things
that piece me back to laughter
and through that, life.
But
there are so many of you,
so when my family goes through this wretched
divorce phenomenon
something inside me looks around
and sees a hundred walls standing at the ready,
balanced upon two hundred pairs of legs upon pairs of feet.
Five hundred walls
reach further
in case I can't hold myself up against the bubbling air.
Five hundred walls in case I can't keep moving, because
they'll keep moving.
Eventually, then, I'll have to move.
A hundred walls will push me away from the floor.
Imagine what this thousand would do.

I have a poem for you all

In the morning. 

Another one about le sitch, but more directed towards the support I'll get from my friends, even when they simply //know// what's going on. They don't have to know what to do. But just for them to be there...I'm so excited. I can't wait. 

Also, this is my first mobile post ever, which is kind of cool. I'm on my phone leaning with my neck and head off the bed. Meant to go to sleep forty minutes ago oops. Hopefully the kids at camp will be loud and the lunch will be good. Here's to being hopeful. 

Love//peace:/chickengrease

These Are Just The Words That Try To Sound Good Together

We are so different
You and I
You know you can touch the world
All I see is I can't touch the sky.
I think if I wanted to, I would break my emergency glass every day.
I don't think you would do it.
You know you're surrounded by people who reel from your mistakes and that knowledge is pressed against yourself so deeply it brings tears to your eyes at the slightest shadow.
Meanwhile, I am afraid simply because my body does not want to be who I what I am what am I and my brainspeed spikes at random intervals like a racing heart back down again as quickly as it spun out of control the first time and I am too afraid to become still.




~!!!~
Love, Peace, Chicken Grease, Rock on:
There's a thing we remember about thoughts. Fleeting. Wild. Remember Me and Think of Me For More Than My Thoughts. 

Magpie 223

❥

Magpie Tales (223)

*note: this may have been the first time I came up with the poem without looking at the picture immediately before or while writing it.... I was supposed to be trying to sleep and the thoughts just hit me and I made myself write it down instead of letting them be lost in my brain.

because then they'd be gone from the concrete world forever.

This is exactly how it was written out on my iPhone.. 11:21 pm June 13, 2014 and exactly how it is laid out, by whatever chance, in my "Notes" app (fixed just a couple typos).

 ∞∞∞∞∞

Tonight

I really don't want to fall asleep

Hugging my pillow

Nothing is good for that kind of thing

That kind of hugging thing

It's like a broken record the tape

slung out the voices eternally set to

a shriek

It dulled my head

And I think

I know I pushed it

Kept pushing it

Saying it was beautiful music

And now I am here

After each push the tap lasts for a 

little longer

The recording still holds its face

together for a couple more months

And what if this is the final tear

And I've finally ripped the present

Torn the music apart

It's gone

-June 13, 2014. 11: 21 pm.

❤♥ ❥(>‿◠)✌ ☮🍗🎉

Post-TFiOS part 2 (aka my second viewing)

Hazel Grace is right. It's not fair.

It's not fair that he loves me the way Augustus Waters loved Hazel Grace.
I don't love him the way Hazel Grace loves Augustus Waters. It's not fair.

I said "I love you, too" tonight and I didn't feel guilty, really, because I actually do love him so don't think that I don't. I love him the way I love him but he loves me like he's the living, breathing Augustus Waters and I am Hazel Grace and I do not so often return that love anymore. And it shouldn't be like that. I don't think it sounds right or should feel right to anyone and it is too unfair it makes me sick.

Summer Advice via AndreasChoice (YouTube)

One person I really love on YouTube is Andrea from the channel "AndreasChoice".

I watched one of, well, all of her recent videos and in the haul one where she was sharing a few things she got for summer.... some of the things she said just made me so happy ^_^

So...how about that advice? Or maybe they're tips or maybe we can just pretend it sounds like advice and therefore take it....   ^_~


Andrea says:" If you don't have every pair of mirrored sunglasses, like, is it really summer for you?"

Andrea says: "Jay-Lo be glowin'."

Andrea says: "Do I have a habit of putting on too much blush? ... ... ... Yeah."

Just accept your too much blushin'! What are the people going to do? Beat you? With point sticks and pointy teeth? No! You go get them rosy cheeks and dude I do the exact same thing that's exactly why I don't wear blush anymore oops haha

Also...something exciting...
    I'm going to my first cross country practice of 2014 tomorrow morning! Wish me luck ugh runnninngggg at least I won't have to go to swim practice haha but my poor hair is gonna be soaking in the chlorine from today until after practice tomorrow morning. That may not be a very good idea, and I realize it, but we just gonna have to deal with it because I am not taking a shower right now. I have to get up in 8 1/2 hours and I DESPERATELY LONG for that kind of sleep before getting up as early as 7 am.

And it's even a non-mandatory practice! I don't think I've ever made it to one of those before! So exciting! I'm being all productive and everything this summer and it's barellyyy June. It's only an hour and 40 minutes until Thursday and I have already finished almost two of my clay people augh I'm opening my Etsy store this year I'm so so pleased and I think I'm going to write "Wednesday Violets: I'm Alive" (inspired by the sky this evening at sundown) on the back of my favorite jean jacket vest that I upcycled from a jean jacket that no longer fit me last year and I just painted "DON'T CLOSE YOUR" on the back of a vest I just made out of an old tie dye t shirt I don't wear anymore and I'm going to add the eyes (yes, actual drawings of eyes) tomorrow.

Here's to remembering my shoes are in the back of the car so I don't freak out in the morning. Also, here's to them actually being there but at least I'm getting up an hour before I have to be there and I'm already dressed.

Love/Peace/ChickenGrease/RockOn
-Kelsey

One Thing I'm Learning About Divorce...

No matter how "prepared" I was for it beforehand...

No matter how much I knew beforehand that makes it completely realistic for it to happen...

the more I tell other people that my parents are getting a divorce, the more real it seems and the more it hurts and the less I can convince myself that everything is working out for the best.

I Love My Dreams, But...

It's really sad when I wake up and there are all these sounds going on .... because I promptly forget what happened in my dream and whether I relax or search for it, it's like the dream just goes *poof*.

I have great dreams. No, honestly, I do. They're all colorful, vibrant, crazy (and I don't necessarily mean colorful in actual colors although I remember them all in color). There's usually a bad guy that we're running from and trying to fix the wrongdoings of (often a group of people). I think once it was like Star Wars and people were using the force. Last night probably got jumbled in with the 6 episodes of Switched At Birth I watched because I mean, dude, have you seen the new commercials/previews/teaser (sorry, I never really know what to call it) on ABC Family for the new season premiere? It makes me wonder why I ever stopped watching. Maybe I am so shallow that it was because Emmett and Bay didn't get back together....

I think they're adorable for life. One of you randoms out there have to believe in it too, right? I have some support?

Whether or not I have support, I guess, is fine. I mean, I still reeeaalalllyyy wanted Bae and Emma to be together from Once Upon A Time, even though Baelfire is obviously dead... And, well, that ended well before certain things happened but... you know, I held on to it well after people around me were like WOO CAPTAIN SWAN 5EVER -- except actually I think all the other Baelfire x Emma people were transitioning the same way I was actually so this last little paragraph thing is probably completely useless or something.

Anywayyysss
I am assuming last night's dream is probably all jumbled up with Switched At Birth, and that assumption comes because when I try to think of my dream in pictures or anything, really, I come up with what I remember to be Switched At Birth. And I guess you could assume maybe some of my dreams were scenes from the show, but I honestly don't think so. Even now, it came to me that Emmett may have been a dude in my dream, but I really don't think so.... When I try to search for memories of the dream... all I find in relation to the dream is a bunch of feelings that I relate to the dream. Now, I'm not exactly sure what they are but I feel a sort of excitement in myself, the excitement I get from having dreams.

So here's to quiet mornings and writing down dreams.
But, also, here's to the fact that I don't completely feel like crying when I lose a dream anymore. I've decided that it's still somewhere inside me and will probably affect my future writing in some way. Meanwhile, I have lots of dreams... lots more than a lot of people have in their conscious easy-to-pick-and-pull-from memory. Also, one of the first fiction stories I started writing was based on a dream. I remember that dream forever. I love the happenings like that so much. Therefore, I'm so so so glad I taught myself that it's okay if I lose a dream...even if it was really grand...

So here's to the dreams that get sucked back into the deepest recesses of my brain where, although I can't even find them, they make me a much cooler person than I was before.

Love/Peace/ChickenGrease/Rock on  ♥ ♥ ♥

Magpie 222

Thank you Magpie Tales/Tess

Time Capsule
Candy
it’s just candy
it’s simple really, when it’s in between your teeth
Forget the metaphor
We just want to feel better, you and I,
you and I, addiction, you and I, addiction
Don’t worry just because the little pieces inside the pill look nothing like the skin on your face.
Your teeth aren’t perfect and your lip gloss looks silly,
sometimes,
but you shouldn’t even be worrying
because
We just want to feel better, you and I,
you and I, addiction, you and I, addiction.
This is a time capsule and it will take you to the best parts where I was too
and it will feel better.
Blood will not ooze out of your wounds, but green shiny dust will
and you will be a fairy and I will be a monster but it will get better.
Don’t let it be a metaphor
because if you do the death won’t die
and you will continue in an emptiness that I never saw fit
and you will be normal and old and gray and won’t live the life I,
you and I, addiction,
imagined.
and you will still be with your pink lipgloss and your white teeth
and blood will drip from your wounds
and you will, in fact, die.